Intelligent information, ideas and insights about the adventurous side of sex and relationships.

Here is the speech I delivered at the Leathermen’s Discussion Group 15th Anniversary celebration event held Saturday, December 17, 2011.

Good afternoon. Welcome to what I personally consider to be an event that marks an extremely important milestone in our local kink and leather scene. I think it’s safe to say that LDG has established itself as one of the more important education and social resources within our community here in San Francisco. I’d like to add my thanks and congratulations to everyone who has been involved in making LDG the successful and highly valued institution that it’s become.

I must admit I found it somewhat amusing when I was told that the history of LDG began in 1996 when Salem Bucholz organized a few guys to get together to discuss kinky topics and that erotic Greek vases was among the first of those topics. Yes, LDG was born, in part, from a discussion about erotic Greek vases. I think that’s sorta cool, and it’s illustrative of the fact that you never quite know where something you start is going to go. So if you have an idea for something that might benefit the kinky community, take inspiration from LDG and go for it. Salem, along with Alan Selby, who led the first LDG discussion meeting by the way, Don Thompson and perhaps others whom I’m neglecting to mention, started something incredibly special that we are here today to celebrate.

I was told that the original vision Salem had was to get guys together to talk about something within the kink spectrum while also fostering camaraderie outside of the bars. In that sense, perhaps he was prescient in seeing what we now so clearly know – that we must foster socializing opportunities outside of the bars that had formerly served as one of our primary central meeting places. LDG serves as one of those great socializing opportunities that also educates and informs us at the same time.

Rather quickly the casually organized group morphed into a discussion group tackling a broad range of topics that spanned the entire realm of leather and kink. Education had become its focus and by around 1997-1998 it was well established that education would remain its primary focus as it is today.

LDG has since had a wonderful history of people who have taken it upon themselves to continue as the driving forces behind LDG. I could begin to name names, but I fear I will miss someone and there are a lot of important people who have contributed to LDG along the way. Some in big ways, some in small ways, but valued contributions all. I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say thanks to all of you, every single person, for helping to continue this tradition of discussion, learning and community that LDG has become.

The true impact that LDG has had upon the community isn’t necessarily best represented by how long it’s been around or how many discussions or presentations it’s hosted, but rather the impact it’s had on the people who attend LDG events. And LDG has impacted many lives in profoundly positive ways. I asked some people if they would share with me how LDG has benefited them and they generously did so. Out of respect for their privacy I’m not going to name names, but they represent a diverse cross-section of the people I’ve seen attending LDG events over the years.

One of the most moving comments came from someone who said “I guess for me, LDG is giving me sort of what feels like a “last hope” in making my dream of being a leather boy come true.”

Think about that statement for a moment. My “last hope.” I saw this person at a recent LDG event and I could see how engaged they were with the presentation, and LDG may be responsible for this person staying within our fold when he might otherwise have left in frustration. How amazing is that?

Another person told me that “LDG has been, for me, a symbol of what I think community organizing should be at its best. Over the past couple of years I have witnessed their dedication to camaraderie, members building relationships that bring amazing opportunities for the group and the larger community, a deep respect for history but not at the expense of including new ways of thinking, and an understanding of the power of marketing. This is in sharp contrast to what many other groups suffer from – in-fighting, officers that are over-committed, and disrespectful communication.” And they added “Thank you to LDG for setting the bar high and giving the rest of us something to aspire to.”

I think that clearly pays homage not only to the founders and subsequent stewards of LDG through the years, but also to the current folks managing LDG who are doing such a great job. You do give us something to aspire to.

Someone else gave me a bit of background on himself and I think that his background clearly illustrates why LDG’s inclusiveness of newbies and the curious is so important, and then he mentions why LDG is so important to him. His story is worth hearing.

“When I came to San Francisco in my mid-twenties I’d been playing in leather and kink for a few years. When I turned 21, I hit every old-school guy’s bar and leather bar available. I didn’t own, and couldn’t afford, any leather but I’d heard that tight 501s, white tee-shirts, and boots were acceptable gear for boys. That’s all I had, so for many years, that’s what I wore. Eventually, I saved to buy my first belt, which ended up being used on me a lot.” Then he joked that he wished it hadn’t taken him so long to buy that damn belt!

“Moving to San Francisco was a dream. I was a kinky hippie. Where else should I be? I hit the ground running, horny, hot, and ready to find men who would work me over. I guess I started really playing here in 1995 by swallowing the nervous lump in my throat and finally taking out ads in the Bay Area Reporter. The more I played, the more I wanted to play but, again, it was without community or guidance or fellowship. At that age, whether I knew it consciously or not, I was hungry for community.”

“I really don’t remember where I first heard of LDG, but I think it actually was an ad in the Bay Area Reporter. This was probably around 1996 or 1997. I remember going to a lot of LDG meetings. I felt like such a newbie and I was, a newbie in the community I’d been hoping I’d find eventually. I made so many friends at LDG meetings and after many meetings we’d hit SOMA Leather bars for a drink and cruise guys.”

He mentions that due to scheduling conflicts he as away from LDG for a couple of years. His schedule freed up and he said: “LDG was the family, the group, the organization I came right back to. LDG will always be my home base, no matter where I go or whatever organizations and clubs I may feel a part of or support. LDG is home… it has been since I moved here.”

Home. To call something your home is a powerful and telling statement. What is a home? It is a place where you “live,” and I contend that LDG offers the kinky folks of San Francisco just that – a place where they can truly live and be who they are in a safe, caring and nonjudgmental atmosphere. The value of that cannot be emphasized enough.

Lastly, in addition to asking people who attended LDG events for their thoughts, I also asked some of the key people who were involved as LDG organizers for their thoughts. One stood out in particular from someone with heavy involvement in the early years of LDG.

“Through all the blood, sweat, and occasional conflict that it took to keep LDG surviving through its 15 years, and despite our different perspectives and experiences, it is undeniable that all the people who have committed so much time and energy over our history have shared a common vision. That common vision was that the San Francisco Bay Area leather scene would be stronger and more cohesive through what we created and have maintained – an organization that could foster community, teaching, learning, hands-on, and sometimes hands-in, kinky experiences for both newcomers and experienced players. And we all shared the realization that unless each and every one of us stepped up and got the job done week after week, we would feel like we had let our community down. For all of us, that was simply unacceptable, and it remains unacceptable to those who are carrying the torch now. We should all refuse to accept that a leather capital like San Francisco can ever lose an asset like LDG – luckily, it seems we don’t have anything to worry about.”

Let me add to this person’s commentary and say that based on my observations of LDG lately, that person is correct that we don’t have anything to worry about. The recent history of LDG suggests that it’s serving the needs of San Francisco’s leather and kink community admirably and the popularity of recent events suggests they are reaching out and engaging some folks who perhaps haven’t always felt part of our community.

There is an old Kenyan proverb that states “Having a good discussion is like having riches.” LDG is one of those elements of riches that we in the San Francisco Bay Area get to enjoy over and over because of great people who give a damn that the rest of us have the fulfilling and enjoyable kinky lives we want and often need.

To everyone in this room who had or has anything to do with organizing LDG, I thank you on behalf of the countless folks you’ve helped over the years. To those who are no longer with us, but have done the same, you are in my thoughts and you have our collective thanks. And to those here today, and those not here today, who attend LDG events, it is you who make the discussions and presentations come alive. Keep coming to LDG events. It feeds the kinky soul.

Congratulations to LDG on 15 wonderful years. As for the future of LDG, I hope I’m at their 20th, 25th and 30th anniversary events because I think it is more important than ever to maintain things like LDG’s education and discussion events. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace the power that face-to-face discussion and communal learning has to empower and bond people.

Thank you for your time.

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LGBT rights and sexuality and relationship rights are inextricably intertwined. In this brilliant speech by Hillary Clinton delivered on December 6, 2012 in Geneva in recognition of International Human Rights Day, Clinton signaled a new day in American foreign policy when it comes to LGBT rights. As a gay man myself, Clinton’s speech literally brought me to tears. LGBT people everywhere should laud Hillary Clinton, and President Obama since this speech reflects his administration’s policy, for their brave international stance.

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I am posting this on behalf of the Leather Hall of Fame Board of Governors of which I am honored to be a member. Congratulations to the three 2012 inductees.

The Board of Governors of the Leather Hall of Fame (LHOF) is pleased to announce the 2012 inductees: Guy Baldwin, Sam Steward and Irving Klaw.

Guy Baldwin is a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, author, activist and educator specializing in issues of particular relevance to the BDSM and leather communities, and more generally in issues relating to non-hetero-normative practices. He won International Mr. Leather in 1989. He is co-founder of an internet-based professional referral resource, the KAP list, now administered by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. He continues to teach at various lifestyle events across the U.S. and Canada.

Sam Steward (1909–1993) was an academic, novelist, historian and tattoo artist born in July of 1909. Steward maintained a card index he called his “Stud File” which documented a detailed account of his sexual experiences in vivid and often very funny detail. In the 1940’s and 50’s, he worked extensively with famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey as an unofficial collaborator. As tattoo artist Phil Sparrow he mentored both Cliff Raven and Don Ed Hardy. He wrote several books of BDSM fiction under the name Phil Andros.

Irving Klaw (1911-1966) was one of the principal publishers of heterosexual BDSM erotica from the late 1940s to 1964. Klaw produced photographs, cartoons, films, and digest-sized booklets with bondage, fetish, and female domination themes. He drew from the expertise of members of the early heterosexual kink subculture to create materials that he sold, primarily through mail-order, and also purchased work from a variety of talented artists such as John Coutts, Gene Bilbrew and Eric Stanton. He was subject to periodic harassment from law enforcement agencies and congressional inquiries dating from 1950, and in 1964 was convicted on 65 obscenity counts which, although the conviction was later reversed on appeal in 1965, led Klaw to cease publication of kink materials. The family business that he founded continues today (moviestarnews.com).

LHOF was formed to honor and preserve the legacy of the extraordinary men and women who have significantly impacted and shaped the history of the Leather/BDSM communities worldwide since 1950. Nominations can be made by anyone in the community, and the three inductees are selected by LHOF Board of Governors. The previous inductees are Tom of Finland, Chuck Renslow, John Coutts, Tony DeBlase, The Satyrs MC, Frank Olson/Don Morrison, The Eulenspiegel Society, Leonard Burtman and Bob Milne. Learn more about all the inductees at the Leather Archives & Museum or at www.leatherhalloffame.com.

The Leather Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies and Brunch will be held at CLAW 11 at the Carnegie Ballroom at the Hilton Garden Inn in Cleveland, OH on Sunday, April 29 2012 at 12 pm. We invite all leather people to join us to celebrate and honor the lives and accomplishments of these great inductees. Find out more and order your tickets now at www.clawinfo.org.

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Note: Due to some differences of opinion with the direction of the organizing committee (it happens, no big deal), I have withdrawn from the committee. I still do, however, support the event and encourage people to attend.

I’m on the organizing committee for the OpenSF Conference 2012. This conference is dedicated to the topic of non-monogamy. The “Open” acronym stands for Open, Poly, or Ethically Nonmonogamous and that pretty much sums up the audience for this first of its kind conference. Registration is now open.

The conference will bring together people who share a common lifestyle, identity or interest in nonmonogamy while also allowing attendees to be immersed in a conference filled with phenomenal speakers, innovative workshops and many socializing opportunities.

OpenSF workshop presenters and facilitators will be from a broad range of backgrounds. In particular the conference will have presenters from queer nonmonogamous communities, sex workers, polyamory, BDSM, leather communities, and swingers. The conference also seeks to fully embrace diversity across race and ethnicity, sex, gender, sexual orientation, size, age, class and economic access, and physical and mental ability.

OpenSF 2012 is being held at the Holiday Inn in San Francisco. The adventure begins the evening of June 8th and culminates the night of June 10th.

If you want to volunteer for a shift during the conference, I’m the volunteer coordinator for the event. Send me a message and I’ll send you the information.

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With the era of online erotic connections came the era of online “hot talk.” Hot talk, in this context, is that sexually charged chat that takes place between people. Sometimes this is done between people who know each other, but quite often it’s between people who don’t know each other at all except from the briefest of virtual introductions, and this is when it can get tricky.

Such hot talk is a lot of fun whether it’s text-based chat or done using a video chat application. It charges up the sexual batteries. It helps us feel out the erotic fantasies of the other person. It can be a great precursor to eventually meeting face to face, or it can be a fun activity all by itself with no pretense of ever meeting. Hot talk has many things to offer us, but it does have a downside.

During the course of hot talk the line between suggested fantasy and suggested reality can begin to blur. While one party of the conversation might be pouring forth some nasty sexual details from the recesses of his erotic fantasy mind, the person receiving those messages might be interpreting them as descriptions of what will actually take place in real time at some point in the future. This can potentially cause big problems.

Imagine you and another person are engaged in some online hot talk. You’re busily typing away your erotic fantasies to each other. Each of you begins to elaborate on all of the wonderful things you’d like to do with each other. Intensely charged sexual heat begins to develop. At some point you run the risk that one of you begins to interpret a fantasy as something that “will” happen in the future versus a fantasy that is just that, a fantasy, not necessarily meant to ever be carried out in real time. And when two people do meet face to face after engaging in online hot talk beforehand, what if the reality of the encounter doesn’t live up to the idealized fantasy?

I call this phenomenon fantasy idealization. One of the parties begins to idealize the fantasy and construct in their head a scenario of the erotic activities actually occurring, and occurring in some ideal way that may or may not even be possible in reality. Such faulty communications run the risk of setting up one, or both, of the parties with a completely unrealistic expectation of the erotic relationship between them, what they will do when (and if) they meet, and so on. Not good.

So how can we avoid such problems? The easiest way is to simply state directly that the hot talk is nothing but fantasy. But that’s often easier said than done. The nature of hot talk is that it often organically emerges from other less erotic conversations and begins to take on a life of its own. To inject a cold blanket statement that this fantasy isn’t real can short circuit the entire exchange.

Alternatively, we can be a bit more careful with the words we use. Rather than use words like “when we…” you might instead say “if we…” This sets the expectation that this may not actually happen. Instead of saying “I can’t wait until we…” you might say “It would be hot if…” You get the idea. Use language that never commits to a reality, but instead remains in the realm of “maybe” or “possibly.” The choice of language we use is important.

Occasionally throwing in a reality moment can help also. After a particularly hot section of chat, you might say something like “Wow, if only it were possible to do that for real” or some other indicator that you don’t assume what’s being chatted about will actually take place, and certainly not in the perfect ways it’s been laid out during the chat.

How you go about avoiding the trap of idealized fantasies is up to you, but being careful during online hot talk can keep everyone grounded just enough in reality to avoid messy misunderstood communications.

If you engage in online hot talk, I am interested in your thoughts about it.

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A buddy and I have a guest opinion article published in this week’s San Francisco Bay Area Reporter. It’s time we more fully embrace medical approaches to reducing HIV transmissions and take a serious, second look at potentially outdated models of prevention.

Check out the article and let me know your thoughts.

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Last night someone asked me about some of my profiles on a couple of the online hookup sites. This person was confused because sometimes I list myself as a versatile top, at other times versatile, and still other times as a versatile bottom. My dominant and submissive tendencies vary too even though I tend to maintain my primary ongoing bonds with sub-leaning men. My list of sexual interests is rather lengthy and it also varies somewhat. Along with those designations I usually alter the profile text to suit my mood. Evidently he found all of this quite confusing. But why?

Yes, my kink/leather reputation for many years was founded upon my top/dominant/master persona and that status is still quite intact. None of that has gone anywhere. But in recent years I have explored the full range of my sexuality as I try to do with all of life. For some odd reason we’re allowed to vary our preferences in clothing, books, entertainment, food, life philosophy, friends, spiritual pursuits, and just about everything else, yet some people find varying our erotic choices perplexing.

I know that for some their sexual and kinky identities are just that, identities. Perhaps I fall into that camp, but I’m starting to realize that identity need not be so rigid, and that the relatively new-found freedom I’ve embraced to adapt my sexuality to meet my various moods is incredibly liberating and fulfilling. I suggest that it is equally liberating and fulfilling for others who have the guts to do it.

I’m going to go out on a limb and state that I strongly believe that the vast majority of kinksters and erotically adventurous people to some degree experience all of the various moods I’ve already listed. However, they live out those moods having to navigate a kinky scene that doesn’t always easily accept that one can sometimes just as easily have a mood for a certain type of sex as they can for pizza or Chinese takeout. Why oh why do we paint ourselves into a corner when there is just no need to?

I’ve repeated it often, but I will again. No two of us are alike and neither are our sexualities. Enjoy the full range of what you want to enjoy on the smorgasbord of sexual options. It’s your right and don’t let anyone tell you differently. To quote an oft referenced Rosalind Russell quote from Auntie Mame, “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.”

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