BDSM and other forms of adventurous sexuality often have at their core a fundamental foundation of identification. We attach our sexuality to an identity or identities that works for us. Such identities might be as a dominant, submissive or any of a number of endless possibilities.
I was recently reading the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (I highly recommend it) and it made me think a lot about the identities we use in our kinky play.
Tolle believes that mankind is constricted by all kinds of self-created thought patterns. These thought patterns form the identity and self-concept each of us maintains throughout our lives. Tolle contends that these identities keep us from attaining any sort of lasting happiness because of our attachment to them. Tolle believes excessive attachment to such identities leads to unhappiness because they are ultimately fictitious creations that will inevitably deconstruct over time, leaving us wandering for answers to who we actually are.
So I thought to myself, how might this apply to certain styles of sexuality? Could our attachment to our sexual identities actually keep us from reaching the satisfaction and happiness that we’re trying to achieve by adopting those same sexual identities?
On a practical level, Tolle’s insight does shed some light on why our sexual identities sometimes get in the way of the joy and happiness we hope our sexuality will bring us. When we are too attached to our identities (such as roles), we run the risk of locking out a wide range of experiences that a more organic “living in the moment” perspective might create in our lives.
There are times when I meet someone and my instincts tell me he or she is far too wrapped up in their sexual persona. They’re so committed to a sexual identity that I’m not sure I’m interacting with the real person. Yes, I fully understand the allure and appeal of a “real” sexual persona. I consider mine quite real. But if that persona gets in the way of true connection with other people, or gets in the way of the personal growth each of us needs to foster in our lives, then is it really serving us well.
What do you identify with? Are you highly attached to your identity as a master, submissive, boy, dad, mistress or some other sexual persona so many of us adopt in our play?
The core of Tolle’s thought, in brief, is that the whole of humanity is trapped in self-created worlds of thought. An individual will experience this as their self-concept.
Within these labyrinthine stories it is impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As they are fictional and static, all self concepts are subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle cites as the main causal factor in human suffering.
The “escape” from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite – that which stands outside, before and beyond the categorizations and divisions of conceptual thought.
A key way which Tolle suggests this escape can be achieved is to focus one’s attention on the present moment. And this is where his approach resonated with me most. How often have we heard the “living in the moment” advice? It’s timeless and universal. All great philosophical approaches to living a better life advise us to be more present, to live in the moment, to focus less on the past and the future and to live now.
So, I’ve decided to attach less importance to my sexual persona(s) and try to live in the moment more. My experience with this thus far has proven fruitful. The more I live in the moment with my sexuality, the more open I’ve become to new experiences, new ways of thinking about things, and a wider range of intimacy that’s ultimately made my sex life more fulfilling.
I’d be interested to hear what others think about this approach. Your thoughts?
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I think this is the strength of the Leather community. The labels can and do evolve and shift over time and people are continuing to explore the limits of expression – and there is no judgment about the labels. For most of the gay community, it’s about being a top with a big dick and cumming.
We each only know what we know and we need others so we see different examples of being and feeling and expressing.
People can look at the surface of leathersex and see the toys and the many situations in which we express ourselves but ultimately – if done correctly – I look at it and see everything as a kind of facilitation metaphor to venture more deeply into the unexplored areas of ourselves – sexual and otherwise. When you get that heart to heart and mind to mind connection you can both feel safe enough to go farther in that exploration.
Gary, I agree completely.
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