September 20, 2014

Kink Is About Connection

This post was originally published in the Bay Area Reporter for which I write a regular leather and kink column. You will find the original online version here.

The topic of this post is something I feel extremely strongly about, and I feel it’s something that we don’t talk enough about in BDSM and kink education. I feel it should be front and center every single time we teach about kink because, without some semblance of love present, the kink is just about going through the motions.

Recently I was scanning the Leather Archives & Museum Tumblr site and I stumbled upon one of their posts that listed Joseph Bean’s Rules of SM (meaning BDSM, to use a more common acronym). This list was originally published many years ago. Joseph Bean is a writer, author and former editor of the now defunct but iconic Drummer Magazine. Drummer is generally considered to have been one of the most influential publications in the entire history of gay men’s leather and kink. Joseph is also a friend who I have long admired.

So, as I was reading Bean’s 10 rules of SM, each one a gem of wisdom, one in particular stood out for me because it reflects what I have often said about what it takes for the best BDSM experiences. His Rule Number 5 is “If you’re not in love, don’t do the scene.” For those unfamiliar with the specifics of BDSM, a scene is what BDSMers call the actual session in which they engage in a BDSM erotic encounter.

Bean then elaborates “If desire and consent do not lead to a kind of love, the scene is probably not going to work. Love can take many forms, but the very ground from which it springs is the demand one places on oneself to please and do what is good for the other person.”

For me, among all the advice that’s doled out about how to do BDSM, this is by far the most important. Yet in classes, articles, books and presentations, it’s the aspect of BDSM that’s discussed the least. Yes, BDSM can be done by the numbers. It can look good. It might even elicit some fun in the absence of love, but I contend it is never as good as when some aspect of love is present.

As Bean mentioned, love can take many forms and be called different things. I’ve often said that the English language needs more words to describe the many variations and permutations of what we clumsily lump together under the single banner of the word love. We have the word like and we have the word love, but that’s not enough. Some kinksters use the word connection instead of love when describing the type of bond that’s necessary for the best BDSM (or any kink really). Whatever word one uses, I agree with Bean that it’s a form of love that sparks our kind of sexuality into a higher realm of experience.

So why do I mention this? Because for many people, especially for outsiders or newcomers to the BDSM and kink styles of erotic play, their first encounters with such play is often outside of a private and intimate context. They might watch some porn that while hot and awesome in its own way, may be a less loving portrayal. Often our most extreme mental fantasies go beyond what we might want to do in real time. They might see a public demonstration of bondage or some form of BDSM or kink play that’s meant to be more entertaining than instructive. They might see various models of such play that do not appear to be what they really are.

I recall one time when I was strolling down the street during Folsom Street Fair and I overheard a group of people as they watched a flogging demonstration underway at one of the fair’s booths. Flogging is the striking of someone with a many-tailed whip, typically made of leather. To the uninitiated, it can look violent and severe. One of the clueless onlookers said something like “I guess you just tie someone up and beat on them and that’s S&M.”

Once at a local San Francisco bar when they were hosting a leather night at which BDSM entertainment was part of the offerings, the one taking place being a rather hard spanking, a number of people in the crowd started screaming “hit him harder, harder!”

I was horrified by these misconceptions and bad impressions being left upon such onlookers. That was the impression being given to these folks? But think about it for a moment. Barring any additional information, why would they not think that? Often someone’s fantasy may appear as something quite different to an outsider. For example, what if you stumbled onto a movie set without noticing any of the lights, cameras or crew? If you then saw two actors fighting angrily with fists flying you would assume you had stumbled onto a real fight. You would have no way of knowing that the fight was not real and was carefully negotiated beforehand. That’s the reaction those who are misinformed about BDSM might have when they hear about or see a BDSM or intense kink situation. They immediately assume the supposed reality in front of them, not the actual fantasy and intimate connection it represents.

It’s important for kinksters to keep this in mind when they decide to display their kink publicly. Every effort should be made to mitigate these wrong impressions when possible. And if such mitigation isn’t possible, then perhaps the kink should remain a private affair and not be offered up as entertainment at all.

I am going to cop to the fact that many kinksters disagree with what I just wrote. Many in the leather, BDSM and kink worlds see nothing whatsoever wrong with BDSM, or any kink, even of the more intense kind, taking place in front of non-kinky or ill-informed folks. I don’t get how they can think that, but many do and I’m sure even among my friends there are those who would argue I’m wrong about this. But I stand by my position.

If you’re reading this and you’re not currently part of the kink world, or you’re a curious newcomer, please keep what I’ve written in mind. What you’re seeing might not be a true representation of what you might end up doing in private. As F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, “There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.” Go forth and love, in whatever kinky way you decide to do so.

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