Intelligent information, ideas and insights about the adventurous side of sex and relationships.

BDSM and other forms of adventurous sexuality often have at their core a fundamental foundation of identification. We attach our sexuality to an identity or identities that works for us. Such identities might be as a dominant, submissive or any of a number of endless possibilities.

I was recently reading the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (I highly recommend it) and it made me think a lot about the identities we use in our kinky play.

Tolle believes that mankind is constricted by all kinds of self-created thought patterns. These thought patterns form the identity and self-concept each of us maintains throughout our lives. Tolle contends that these identities keep us from attaining any sort of lasting happiness because of our attachment to them. Tolle believes excessive attachment to such identities leads to unhappiness because they are ultimately fictitious creations that will inevitably deconstruct over time, leaving us wandering for answers to who we actually are.

So I thought to myself, how might this apply to certain styles of sexuality? Could our attachment to our sexual identities actually keep us from reaching the satisfaction and happiness that we’re trying to achieve by adopting those same sexual identities?

On a practical level, Tolle’s insight does shed some light on why our sexual identities sometimes get in the way of the joy and happiness we hope our sexuality will bring us. When we are too attached to our identities (such as roles), we run the risk of locking out a wide range of experiences that a more organic “living in the moment” perspective might create in our lives.

There are times when I meet someone and my instincts tell me he or she is far too wrapped up in their sexual persona. They’re so committed to a sexual identity that I’m not sure I’m interacting with the real person. Yes, I fully understand the allure and appeal of a “real” sexual persona. I consider mine quite real. But if that persona gets in the way of true connection with other people, or gets in the way of the personal growth each of us needs to foster in our lives, then is it really serving us well.

What do you identify with? Are you highly attached to your identity as a master, submissive, boy, dad, mistress or some other sexual persona so many of us adopt in our play?

The core of Tolle’s thought, in brief, is that the whole of humanity is trapped in self-created worlds of thought. An individual will experience this as their self-concept.

Within these labyrinthine stories it is impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As they are fictional and static, all self concepts are subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle cites as the main causal factor in human suffering.

The “escape” from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite – that which stands outside, before and beyond the categorizations and divisions of conceptual thought.

A key way which Tolle suggests this escape can be achieved is to focus one’s attention on the present moment. And this is where his approach resonated with me most. How often have we heard the “living in the moment” advice? It’s timeless and universal. All great philosophical approaches to living a better life advise us to be more present, to live in the moment, to focus less on the past and the future and to live now.

So, I’ve decided to attach less importance to my sexual persona(s) and try to live in the moment more. My experience with this thus far has proven fruitful. The more I live in the moment with my sexuality, the more open I’ve become to new experiences, new ways of thinking about things, and a wider range of intimacy that’s ultimately made my sex life more fulfilling.

I’d be interested to hear what others think about this approach. Your thoughts?

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Sex: How to Do Everything
By Em and Lo
Published by DK Publishing (United States) and Dorling Kindersley Limited (Great Britain)

The authors of this book describe their writings on sexuality to be informative but fun, opinionated but nonjudgmental, and sexy but never sleazy. This new work lives up to their claim. It’s a visually stunning book that offers clear and concise sex advice on a range of topics and it does so while maintaining a sense of humor and lightheartedness that’s refreshing over the sometimes clinical explanations of sexual technique found in other works. Beautiful photographs by Rankin are generously merged with the text to provide both a reading and visual educational experience.

Do you want to pick up some tips on improving the basic intercourse experience? Or do you want to explore some BDSM or roleplay? This book can serve as a wonderful resource for both, and much more.

Em and Lo offer up a plethora of sound advice and technique tips amidst nicely demarcated chapters on seduction, anatomy and orgasm, manual sex, oral sex, intercourse, anal play, sex toys, fantasy and sexual health. Those of my readers who fancy themselves to be among the more hardcore of the kinky might find this book a bit too gentle and introductory in nature. However, that’s one of this book’s charms. It caters to that larger audience of readers for whom sexual exploration is not necessarily approached as an identity, but rather as something that simply enhances life and relationships.

I particularly appreciate the open-minded and nonjudgmental approach the book puts forth. All sexual paths are considered valid and good as long as everyone is looking out for the well being of others in the process.

It’s nice to see a book available to the general adult public that covers such a gamut of sexuality topics in such a friendly and nonsensationalistic manner. While the author’s clearly wrote this book for a heterosexual readership, there’s no reason other orientations can’t find plenty in this book to improve their sex lives as well.

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As a member of the Board of Governors for the Leather Hall of Fame, I am pleased to reprint here the official press release listing the latest inductees. Please feel free to alert any friends, blogs, websites or publications to this press release.

The Board of Governors of the Leather Hall of Fame (LHOF) is pleased to announce the 2010 inductees: The Satyrs MC; Tony DeBlase; and Frank Olson/Don Morrison (elected as a couple). 

The Satyrs MC was founded in 1954 in Los Angeles and is the longest continuously running gay organization in America, leather or otherwise. The Satyrs was formed by leather-clad bikers interested in sex during an era when that sort of sexual expression often resulted in arrest. From the beginning, the Satyrs rode to national parks for camping and sex with men, and they still host their annual Badger Flat Run, now in its 49th year. Many clubs and organizations around the world can trace some part of their roots back to the Satyrs or the bylaws they adopted back in 1954. Member of the Satyrs stood up to the Los Angeles Police Department’s raids of the 70’s, eventually resulting in the end of those raids and entrapments. The Satyrs continue to be a very active club with as bright a future as they have a notorious past.

Frank Olson and Don Morrison were among the most important founders of the leather scene in New York City. They were famous for many parties, at that time the major leather social events, both in New York City and on Fire Island. Frank was the principal person behind the opening of the Eagle’s Nest, for many years New York’s premier leather bar. During the World’s Fair that took place in New York in 1964/5, the NYPD kept closing gay bars, including the leather bars. Frank kept finding new places as old ones were closed, leading the community like Moses through the social wilderness, until the police pressure abated. He was also a founding member of the gay bike club scene in New York. Frank and Don are still together and living in Pennsylvania.

Tony DeBlase was perhaps the most transformational figure in the history of the leather community. He developed the contest and demonstration schedule at the Chicago Hellfire Club’s Inferno, and he helped export those lessons to other, less experienced SM clubs. He was the Founding publisher of DungeonMaster magazine, the best and most extensive published source of SM technique, much of it written by DeBlase himself.  He was the publisher of Drummer magazine during its peak years from 1986-1992.  He was a co-founder of the Leather Archives & Museum where he served as an officer and developed the Leather History Time Lines. He wrote leather fiction under the name Fledermous, and was a frequent lecturer and workshop leader. In 1989 he designed the Leather Pride Flag. He won multiple awards and was a mentor to many. Tony died in July, 2000. 

The three runners up in the 2010 voting were publisher/writer/filmmaker Leonard Burtman, New York scene pioneer Bob Milne, and Mr. S. founder Alan Selby.

LHOF was formed to honor and preserve the legacy of the extraordinary men and women who have significantly impacted and shaped the history of the Leather/BDSM communities worldwide since 1950. By publicly acknowledging and honoring those individuals, it is LHOF’s mission to preserve the history of our communities, to pay respect to the leaders and trailblazers who came before us, and to establish a permanent and unbiased resource for anyone interested in leather culture to learn about the people who built its foundations and guided its evolution. The Board of Governors of the LHOF represents a diverse, pansexual cross-section of the some of the leather community’s most widely-respected and longest-standing academics and activists. LHOF has gone to great pains to insure that the internal voting process is confidential, professional and free of politics or cliquishness.  Nominations can be made by anyone in the community. The chief criterion for eligibility is that nominees have made substantial contributions to BDSM/leather dating back at least 15 years. Nominations are accepted throughout the year at www.leatherhalloffame.com. The annual deadline for nominations is October 15th. The Board of Governors carefully evaluates all nominations and selects three inductees each year. Nominations that are not selected are carried over to be considered the following year.

The initial focus is on the earliest pioneers of our community. The LHOF’s first three inductees (2009) were Tom of Finland (Touko Laaksonen), the prolific artist whose stylized homoerotic art had a profound effect on gay and leather culture; Chuck Renslow, founder of the Chicago’s legendary Gold Coast bar, International Mr. Leather, the Leather Archives & Museum, and dozens of other projects; and artist John Willie, a major figure in the development of the imagery and culture of heterosexual and lesbian BDSM in the mid twentieth century. Learn more about our first three inductees at www.leatherhalloffame.com.

The Leather Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies will be held at CLAW 9 at the Wyndham Hotel in Cleveland, OH on Sunday, April 25, 2010. We invite all leather people to join us to celebrate and honor the lives and accomplishments of these great inductees. Find out more and order your tickets now at www.clawinfo.org.

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Periodically I’ll ask someone within the nontraditional (alternative) sexuality or relationship communities 5 specific questions. Here are one person’s answers.

1. If you could offer people in your community just one bit of advice based on your experience, what would it be?

Accept yourself. It sounds simple, but it’s really quite a struggle for all of us. Accepting our shadow selves, our darker impulses and integrating that often disowned part of our sexual and erotic psychology into our personality is a long and, ultimately, worthwhile journey.
 
2. Is there anything you see as particularly positive going on in your community right now?

I see a movement away from the binary paradigm of gender and sexuality. For so long we’ve seen things in terms of polarities: male/female, Dom/sub, Top/bottom, light/shadow. The emergence of transgender men and women, as well as switches in the BDSM communities, and relationships that think outside traditional monogamous paradigms, are really forcing us to abandon our long clung-to notions of either/or. This movement toward a more open inclusivity will, I think, result in a much more varied and colorful erotic playground on which to romp.
 
3. Is there anything you see as particularly negative going on in your community right now?

The same negativity I see everywhere: blame. There is a lot of blaming going on in our culture and communities, with very little emphasis on personal responsibility and community mobilization. I think this is a nationwide phenomenon, not just a problem in our communities. I am not arguing that there aren’t formidable forces working against us in the struggle for civil rights and sexual freedom, I just think we could do with a little less looking outward toward blame and little more looking inward toward accountability, cohesiveness – despite our differences – and mobilization.

4. How could your community best be improved?

It’s a tough question to answer because we have witnessed so many improvements and accomplishments. There is a great push in the gay communities toward heteronormativity – marriage, children, the ubiquitous SUV. That may be fine for some, but I hope it does not become the mandatory model. I do not wish to see Leatherfolk, drag queens, and those traditionally identified as “fringe” members of our communities disappear or be further marginalized. Without them, it is unlikely a brick would ever have been tossed at Stonewall. We need to remember this, and protect the diversity of our communities.

5. Think ahead 10 years. Where do you see your community heading?

With regard to polyamorous, and other non-monogamous, communities I see much more acceptance and visibility. Without losing the model of the traditional nuclear family, I believe we are going to experience a shift toward different ways of forming family and community, and the breadth of opportunities for people to connect in new ways will be positive. For BDSM and Leather communities I predict a less pathologized perception, and the medical and psychological validation to back this up. I see our sexuality being removed entirely from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the American Psychiatric Association and, generally, a broadening of the freedoms of erotic expression. I foresee equal civil rights, including equal legal unions, for gays and lesbians, and I sincerely hope to see an end to AIDS and HIV. We have lived with this disease for thirty years now. It is time for a vaccine and a cure. Quickly. 

David Ortmann, LCSW (www.dopsychotherapy.com/) is a San Francisco based psychotherapist, sex therapist and author. His areas of clinical focus and study are the sexuality of the BDSM and Leather communities, concepts and theories of masculinity, and the processes of human attachment and differentiation.

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I’ve decided to move the content of some of my past speeches into the blog area of this site.

The original version of this speech was delivered by me as the Keynote for the Leathermen’s Discussion Group 10th Anniversary Celebration at the San Francisco LGBT Community Center on July 29, 2006. Subsequently, the version below was delivered as the Keynote for the Leather Leadership Conference 2008 at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway in San Francisco on April 11, 2008. (You can sign up to attend the 2010 conference here.)

Good evening to you all. Thank you for being here.

As you all know, the person who was supposed to be standing in front of you at this moment is Guy Baldwin. Unfortunately, Guy is unable to make the trek to San Francisco due to illness, and I hope I speak for everyone here in wishing him a speedy recovery. Because Guy and I have a past partnership history and I still consider him one of my dearest friends, I particularly extend to him my best wishes.

One of the reasons Guy was originally scheduled to speak to you today is that Guy is one of those voices in our community that demands attention. Why? Because Guy always dares to speak the truth, at least the truth as he sees it, without concern for what others might think, as long as he is true to himself. In honor of him, I plan to do the same to you today – speak the truth as I see it.

Also, considering I’ve had about 24 hours notice to deliver this speech, I hope you’ll forgive hearing a speech I’ve delivered before and any stumbles I might make. I may be reading from my notes somewhat more than I usually do when I speak.

But let’s hope I “arouse” you in some way and spark further discussion amongst our ranks. So, here goes.

I delivered a version of the speech you’re about to hear in July of 2006 as the keynote address at the 10th anniversary celebration of Leathermen’s Discussion Group here in San Francisco. That audience was comprised primarily of gay men and the speech most definitely took that into account. But I think much of its message will ring true with men and women of all persuasions and where possible I’ve attempted to update what I have to say.

For those of you that know me well, as one of my former partners would often say, I’ve been around this scene since the earth was cooling. (It was actually Guy who used that phrase and I thought it fitting to use it today.) I’ve been involved in many organizations and projects, but most important for my speech today, I am, at least I hope I am, a fairly decent observer and analyst of this leather/SM/fetish/“whatever we want to call it nowadays” scene of ours. But I guess I’ll let you be the judge of that after you hear what I have to say.

Before I begin, I don’t want anyone to be concerned that I’m going to drone on for too long. I consider brevity a virtue and practice it whenever I can. I’ll speak for about 20 minutes and then you can all move on to the networking and socializing.

Also, if anyone would like to talk with me afterwards, I’ll be around, feel free to say hi. If you’d rather chat virtually, my email is the same as my name, race at bannon.com.

So what am I going to talk about today? When I was first asked to deliver this original speech I bandied about a lot of topics, but ultimately decided on a topic I personally find fascinating, and that’s the current trends in our scene.

As some background, in March of 2004 I gave a presentation at the Los Angeles Leather Weekend titled Contemporary Trends in Leather. To prepare for that presentation I interviewed 50 men and women from all walks of the scene asking them about trends they’ve noticed. For those of you with research backgrounds, this was a very informal ethnographic study.

Then when I was asked me to deliver this original speech in 2006, I decided to talk with an additional 50 people, this time just gay men since I thought their insights might be more relevant to the group I was speaking to at that time.

So today I’d like to mention some of the trends I spoke about in 2004, those in 2006, and some more current observations, and I’ll provide my own personal perspective and commentary on those trends. And for one trend I find particularly interesting I’ll pose some theories about why I think it’s occurring.

But first, why should we care about trends in our scene? The reason we should care is that any community that doesn’t exhibit trends, that doesn’t change, is lifeless and risks extinction.

Author Anais Nin put it this way: “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”

Philosopher Henri Bergson put it another way: “To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.”

So by us acknowledging trends, by discussing them, by dissecting and debating them, we are simultaneously validating that our scene is alive and vibrant.

Some trends may be perceived as not good, while others may be considered beneficial. Some might be perceived as neither good nor bad. That is something each of you here today has to decide for yourselves. But the mere acknowledgement of these trends gives us the hope that our scene will continue to grow and mature and serve the sexual, social and identity needs it’s meant to serve.

There will always be members of a community that resist change, that will see most trends as negative. Much the way parents often decry the music or dress of their children’s generation, there are those among us who will decry any change that deviates from their own comfort zone.

But change is the norm, not the exception. And the more comfortable we become with change, the more likely we can foster the good trends and correct the bad ones.

So what are some of the trends? I don’t have time to talk about them all, but let me mention a few of the ones people brought up most often when I interviewed the original 100 folks for this speech, and then validated by many of the casual conversations I’ve had with people since that time.

The first trend I’ll point out won’t surprise anyone here, and that is the profound influence of the internet and technology. During my interviews this was by far the most mentioned trend in 2004, and again in 2006, and in more recent conversations.

Virtually everyone mentioned this trend and said that the internet is now the primary means by which kinky folks communicate. It is truly the great common denominator in our scene today.

Because of the internet, almost all of the gay men I interviewed back in 2004 and 2006 said that they frequent leather bars, in fact bars in general, much less than in the past. And for those that still did go to bars, they considered them much more of a social venue than a cruising one.

However, for this trend, at least from a gay male perspective, I have noticed an interesting shift since 2006. Many men have reported a hunger for more face-to-face time. From the chats I’ve had with others in the scene who are not gay men I’m sensing a somewhat similar hunger.

As a local example of that hunger being satisfied, the Chaps II bar recently opened here in San Francisco. At a time when many thought that sort of social and cruise scene was permanently on the decline, it has opened to seemingly universal praise, in particular because it touts itself as a leather/kink/gear bar, openly acknowledging some of the trends that require a more inclusive approach beyond just leather. Perhaps this is signaling, at least here in San Francisco, a resurgence in needing to see our fellow kinkoids in the flesh.

Of those I talked with that belonged to clubs or organizations, many said they were now focusing more on educational and social events rather than play events because the internet provides such an easy means for people to connect sexually.

Many said that the internet has exposed them to a wider range of kink and has opened their minds to more options. This actually relates directly to another trend I’ll talk about in a few moments.

Most said that the internet is their only means of getting information about kinky sex and the leather/SM/fetish scene. This surprised me since the folks I interviewed are a fairly “networked” bunch. I also have to admit this sort of scares me, especially as we gather here this weekend as leaders and organizers who are working hard to get good information into the hands of the kinky, and the soon to be kinky, with the need for some of that education to take place in real time and not just virtually.

An interesting and heartening pattern also emerged regarding this trend. Those mentioning the internet’s influence in 2004 were much more negative about it than they were in 2006 or today. The people I interviewed in 2006 and more recently seemed to accept the internet as the de facto networking medium without too much judgment about it.

The next trend probably won’t come as a surprise to many of you either and that’s the generational divide. A lot of gay men in particular mentioned this one. This does appear to be something specific to the gay men’s community from what I can tell, but perhaps others here would disagree.

Younger and older men in our scene repeatedly mentioned a disconnect with each other. Older men often referred to younger men as not respecting traditions, while younger men tended to resist at least some of those traditions. Younger men, by far, mentioned this trend more often than older men.

There was no apparent lack of interest in playing with each other across age boundaries. So perhaps this divide will resolve itself in time in various dungeons and playrooms. I’d like to think so.

I had one interesting conversation with a younger man who belonged to an SM organization and he mentioned that while the group had been founded on some of the more traditional approaches to the scene, they were feeling compelled to modify the group’s structure and protocols. Evidently younger guys were showing quite a bit of resistance to joining the group because of the more traditional approaches that, for whatever reason, they couldn’t relate to.

The next trend I’m about to mention I must admit I’m a bit nervous about considering the audience I’m speaking to today. Please take it as an observation and not a judgment. It is that pansexuality appears to be reaching an equilibrium.

Sometime around the early 1980s the pansexual movement began in earnest. Men and women of all orientations mixed in ways that was unprecedented, often in play settings as well.

I believe this phenomenon reached its peak in the late 1990s and has been waning ever since and that seems to perhaps be due, at least in part, to the opinions expressed by many of those I interviewed, especially gay men.

Gay men in particular clearly want more gay male only spaces, especially when it comes to play spaces.

Let me be clear that the men interviewed did not judge women or heterosexuals when making these comments, but they clearly were more inclined to frequent events and groups with a gay male only focus.

In the conversations I’ve had with heterosexuals, lesbians and others, this sentiment seems to exist in those quarters as well. I talked just last week with a well-known heterosexual man in our community who candidly admitted to me that he rarely plays in mixed-orientations play spaces anymore. He is without a doubt one of the least homophobic het men I’ve ever met, but as he said “women just get my dick hard.”

Among those I interviewed that I’d consider community or organization leaders – a few of you are sitting here today – there was understandably some fear that this trend might undo the good that the pansexual movement has brought about. I personally don’t think it will. And here’s why.

When it came to social situations, or community projects, events, fundraisers and the like, most everyone seemed to believe that the pansexual mixture was still a good thing at least some of the time. So again, this was not a repudiation of pansexuality, but clearly the pendulum has swung more to the middle as is so often the case with trends in general.

Another trend mentioned often was noticing greater versatility and more fluidity of roles among gay men. I didn’t hear this too much from heterosexuals and lesbians, but I’d be curious to chat with some of you here today if you have any insight into this.

There appears to be somewhat of a generational gap around this issue. Younger guys, let’s say 35 and under, mentioned this much more often than older guys.

This was a trend I hoped I could quantity in some way. Years ago I recall a researcher who surveyed about 300 men and women who clearly identified being part of the BDSM scene, asking them, on a scale of totally top to totally bottom, where did they see themselves. The result was a relatively smooth bell curve showing a normal, gradual distribution with a peak at 50/50.

About 12 years ago I did a similar exercise with a group of leathermen and found similar results with the distribution again being approximately a bell curve.

In 2006, when I gave the previous version of this speech, I did another casual study of roles based on how San Francisco men who belonged to the worldleathermen.com web site indicated their role identities. This is admittedly a skewed population, but it was one that was readily available. At that time I found an interesting shift.

For those here who are not members of worldleathermen, members can self identify as 100% active, 90% active, and so forth to 100% passive. This means that more nuanced top/bottom/versatile identifications were possible and therefore easier to quantify and plot on a chart.

Of the 900+ men in the sample, 291 said they leaned top, 355 said they leaned bottom, but an amazing 283 identified as being 50/50, equally top and bottom. This changed the relatively smooth bell curve of the data to one with a huge spike at the 50/50 mark.

Now, since I was asked to step into this keynote role yesterday, I figured I’d spend some time on worldleathermen.com last night seeing what the numbers might be today. (And I want no jokes from guys in the audience about how much I’m on worldleathermen anyway.)

So, of the 1,200+ men in the sample, 372 say they lean top, 456 say they lean bottom, but a truly unexpected 426 identify as being 50/50, equally top and bottom. This changes the relatively smooth bell curve of the past data to one with an even greater spike at the 50/50 mark, showing, at least using this same sample population, an even greater move towards versatility since I crunched the numbers back in 2006.

So maybe there is something to an increasing identification of gay men as versatile.

My instincts tell me there might, again, be somewhat of a generational divide regarding this issue. Someday I might do a similar exercise and use age as a data point as well. And I’d be curious if anyone here not gay male identified does anything similar on another site. Please send me your results.

Interestingly, the final trend I’ll mention wasn’t mentioned at all during my interviews in 2004, but was the second most mentioned trend during my 2006 interviews. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I only interviewed gay men in 2006, but I also interviewed a lot of gay men in 2004, so clearly there’s something more to the reason behind this trend. Recent casual discussions with folks in the scene seem to back up this trend.

And that trend is that gay men are getting kinkier. And I’m guessing that men and women of all orientations have noticed this trend too, but I defer to you to explore this further.

Many men mentioned that they’ve noticed a rise in the variety of scenes men are into. And on an anecdotal level, if you look at the sexual interests people list in their online profiles these days, it does appear that this trend is indeed true.

So, assuming this is true, why is this happening? I have a theory.

In the 1980s and 1990s, Giacomo Rizzolatti, a neuroscientist and professor of human physiology, and two other scientists were doing research on the brain activity of monkeys as the monkeys performed various tasks (such as reaching for a banana). The researchers observed certain neurons in the brain firing. Then they noticed something unexpected. The same neurons fired when the monkey “only watched” someone perform the same task (such as reaching for a banana). Rizzolatti named these neurons “mirror neurons”. Subsequent research has observed these mirror neurons in primates, some birds and humans. Therefore, it seems logical that mirror neurons allow humans simply observing someone doing something to truly experience at least some semblance of what that person is experiencing.

So consider the first trend I mentioned, the influence of the internet and technology, and how it might tie into this. We “see” other people’s kinks via profiles and porn, and often in real time via chat and web cams, and, assuming the mirror neuron theory is correct, we actually experience the feelings and sensations in much the same way we would if we were actually do it. This brings about an energized interest in those kinks in ways more difficult to elicit before this technological age of ours came about.

Another factor that might be contributing to this trend is what I call “piercing the veil of fear.”

Frances Moore Lappé, author of the famous book Diet for a Small Planet, and Jeffrey Perkins point out in their book You Have the Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear that people’s natural tendency is towards happiness and the embracing of their uniqueness. But society, on many fronts, works hard to make people conform rather than embrace their uniqueness. Lappé and Perkins point out that the old way of thinking is: “If I’m really myself, I’ll be excluded. If I break connection, I’ll be alone forever.”

The leather/SM/fetish scene has its own constructs, rules and paradigms that often serve to suppress people from really being themselves. The subtle message is – if your sexuality doesn’t look this way, you’re doing it wrong and you can’t be part of our group.

The new way of thinking Lappé and Perkins observe more people are embracing is: “To find genuine connection, we must risk disconnection. The new light we shine draws others toward us, and we become conscious choosers.”

The kinky folks of today are, more and more, deciding to become conscious choosers. They are defining their own sexuality in ways that work for them rather than allowing the larger scene to define it for them. Because they have access to the intimate sexual interests of thousands of fellow erotic explorers at the click of a mouse, their fears are alleviated. They realize they’re not alone in their desires for certain kinks and feel far more comfortable investigating and being open about them.

Personally, I think this is one of the healthiest trends in the scene today. And considering the theme of this year’s conference is arouse, what could be more arousing than more erotic choices.

There were some other trends mentioned less often, but I think you get the idea that there are indeed trends.

So, what are we to do with all of this information? Well, here’s what I think.

First and foremost, we must embrace trends, and therefore change, as a good and necessary part of the growth of our scene in order to keep it vibrant and alive.

We must look to trends and change as indicators of what the scene as a whole desires and needs; not try to conform the scene to what might be outdated rules and paradigms.

We must acknowledge that change will continue and will do so at an increasingly accelerated rate.

Two of the program track themes at the conference this year are “evolve” and “transform.” That sounds a lot like change to me. We should all keep our need to embrace change in mind as we learn and grow together this weekend.

We must stop judging the various segments of our scene – younger vs. older, Old Guard vs. New Guard, leather vs. non-leather, and newcomer vs. experienced. Another theme at this year’s event is “involve.” How can we involve all of the various and disparate types of kinky people unless we collectively, as leaders and organizers others look to for guidance, suspend our judgments and agree that we must all co-exist if we are to thrive.

We must accept that the monolithic “leather” scene will likely continue to be replaced with a network of smaller sub-scenes and we will need to work hard to keep those smaller sub-scenes united and networked for the common good, where it seems appropriate.

We must accept that the once all-inclusive “leather” descriptor, and even the more inclusive “leather/SM/fetish” descriptor may no longer suffice to truly describe the emergence of kinks and identifications that will continue to blossom over time. As another conference theme notes, we must “embrace” all of the growing and emerging identifications that keep this scene vibrant.

We must explore virtual communities blending with real-time communities in order to maintain a social connection with each other. As leaders in our scene, this task may fall squarely upon us. It is the men and women in this room that will transform the scene into what the troops are clamoring for and to re-ignite interest in face-to-face socializing, networking and, in some cases, play.

And, finally, and most importantly, while it is valuable to note and discuss these trends, none of us should look to these or any other trends as models for our own sexuality. Ultimately our sexuality is just that, “our” sexuality, and we must each pursue it in ways that work for us. And encourage others to do the same.

While he was referring to the movie business when he said it, a quote by the famous director Frank Capra is sage advice for us all. He said: “My advice … is this: Don’t follow trends, Start them!”

For those of you out there listening to this, my advice to you is the same for our scene. Don’t follow trends. Start them. By your very presence here you are indicating you are willing to take up this challenge. Help our scene evolve. Get others involved in your passions. Embrace the diversity that makes us strong. Transform the mundane into the exciting. Use your influence to make things better while others might choose to stand on the sidelines. Ignite an interest in the larger population about who and what we are.

Do all of this, and the ultimate goal of arousal, individually and collectively, will be achieved. Because if we, the leaders, thinkers, organizers and mentors can’t be aroused and foster that arousal in others, then what is the point.

This, tonight, is the beginning of what can be a valuable milestone for us and our kinky brethren. Meet, discuss, brainstorm, share, laugh, and get turned on… let’s spark the arousal that is the reason we all got into this scene in the first place.

And most of all, give our scene hope for the future. Hope is powerful. Regardless of your spiritual leanings, the words of the famous liberal clergyman William Sloan Coffin pertains to us all, and our reason for being here. He said, “Hope arouses, as nothing else can arouse, a passion for the possible.”

Thank you for your time.

DATA

Here is a graphical representation of the data used in the 2006 speech (929 men in the sample) and 2008 speech (1,224 men in the sample) collected by examining the profiles of all of the San Francisco men that belonged to the worldleathermen.com web site on July 25, 2006 and April 10, 2008, respectively.

2006 and 2008 Gay Men's Role Data

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A degree in BDSM? Certified kinky practitioners? Folks looking for continuing education credits to prove that they’re up-to-date on the latest sexual techniques and information? No, I’m not aware of such programs in place today, but I fear some might actually think it’s a good idea. I do not.

Lately, a few people in the BDSM scene have started to put forth the notion of certifying people as BDSM practitioners. The intention is a good one. It makes sense to have people adequately skilled in certain types of erotic play that if done improperly could be dangerous. Knowing someone has the necessary skill to do what might otherwise be potentially risky erotic play brings peace of mind to those who play with them. Training and education focused on such potentially risky sexual endeavors is a good idea.

Some want to take this process a step further by codifying some sort of curriculum that would “certify” someone’s capabilities as a BDSM practitioner. Here’s why I think this is a really bad idea.

The bulk of what makes someone good at sex (BDSM or any other erotic interaction) goes far beyond what can be taught or learned in the traditional sense. Good sex is about the character of the individuals involved. It’s about the level of attraction. It’s about their erotic moods and circumstances. It’s about their sensitivity to the erotic needs of their partner. It’s about how empathic and attuned a partner is to the other. Yes, in some cases it’s about skill and technique. But the other factors I’ve mentioned generally trump skills and techniques in most cases. Ultimately, good sex (including BDSM) is about connection. And you don’t need to be credentialed or certified to connect erotically with another human being.

Classes, workshops and discussion groups are great places to share experiences, insights and tips, but most of what we do in sex is (hopefully) an individual path we’ve paved for ourselves; not some pre-determined worn path dictated by others.

Please don’t get me wrong. When people like Tony DeBlase, a hero of mine, introduced  instruction in BDSM skills to anyone who exerted some effort to find the information, I was elated. Knowledge and skills had primarily been passed down within loosely entwined, clandestine networks prior to that time. And not always well. Tony (and perhaps others who I can’t think of at the moment) did everyone who practices BDSM a great service and the scene has been better off ever since.

But the only thing that can really be taught in BDSM is actual physical techniques. How to tie someone up or flog a back safely can be taught, but how to elevate those same activities to good sex can’t. That’s why I’ve encountered folks who were brilliant as newcomer BDSM players. At the same time I’ve encountered others who have been in the scene for a while and taken classes and workshops and can practice BDSM safely, but not necessarily with passion, with connection, and with the clear intention of mutual pleasure.

And what are the dangers when a community looks to a BDSM credential and assumes it means safety and assumes it means competence. Bad players will inevitably get through such a system and graduate to perceived competence. People they play with might let down their guard and avoid some of the usual precautions in light of the certification. I believe each sexual encounter needs to be negotiated in its entirety and that no form of official certification should be part of it. I’m sure some will disagree, but I don’t believe good sex can be certified to be good.

Classes and workshops can produce safer BDSM encounters. Of that I’m convinced. But I fear there is a slippery slope of certifying any form of sex, even the technical aspects, because certification inevitably leads to a perceived sense of overall competence and that could prove harmful. Pretty soon BDSM players will start printing business cards with their certifications listed. Is that really where we want our sex lives to go?

Apart from the profound limitations of any instructional mechanisms to actually create good sex, there is also the true danger of the inordinate enculturation of the kinky community into a particular point of view, personal tradition or approach that the creators of any credentialing system may impose, consciously or unconsciously.

Do we really want our individual sex and erotic play to be so strongly influenced by appointed arbiters of BDSM competence? I most certainly do not.

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I was recently having a chat with a few friends at my local coffee shop in the Castro District of San Francisco. A common thread of conversation is how much the Castro has changed from an almost entirely gay area to one that is certainly still mostly gay, but is clearly seeing an influx of men and women of all orientations. (The large numbers of male/female couples pushing baby carriages down the sidewalk being one demonstration of the changes.)

Almost simultaneously, the same day, I was discussing the changes taking place in the landscape of gay kink (leather/SM/fetish). I constantly hear disgruntled men talk about the disappearance of leather bars, the lack of men wearing their leather and gear in public, the fact that large play parties seem to be on the decline, the decline of the more traditional forms of leather/kink, and other signs of a quickly changing gay male leather/kink scene.

Since I had these conversations so close together, it make me think of their similarities and that, perhaps, the causes were similar.

Both the general gay men’s scene and the leather/kink scene have changed a lot in recent years. While the vanilla gay scene has certainly become more widely accepted than the leather/kink scene, there are clear signs of greater acceptance across the board. Interactions among members of both scenes has been forever altered by the internet and the abundant online modes of connecting with others. Where there were once only a few venues in which to commune with like-minded men, now there are many. Bars and a few clubs have been enhanced (and sometimes replaced) with countless events, organizations, specialized niche clubs and groups, publications, parties, fundraisers, contests and other ways in which men can gather with each other rather easily. Younger men in both scenes now live in a world of relatively easy entrance into the folds. They see no wisdom in struggling to enter into their community of choice and don’t understand why some of the older among them shake their heads in disapproval (perhaps more out of envy than true disapproval).

I know many men bemoan the changes, but I don’t think the pace of change will slow down. If anything, it will speed up. The mainstreaming of kink (for lack of a better way of putting it) has begun and it’s not likely to abate.

This gives the kinky among us but two options, adapt or retreat. I vote for adaptation because I believe adaptation is not only a pragmatic solution, it’s a better solution. Change is a sign something is alive and vibrant. Lack of change is a sign something has plateaued and stagnated. Which would you rather embrace?

I hope you’ll join me in embracing the new landscape of kink. I plan to go with the flow while growing and adapting along the way. Does this sometimes challenge me? Sure! But the option of retreating from the scene into my cocoon of familiarity and tradition just doesn’t seem all that appealing.

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I’ve decided to move the content of some of my past speeches into the blog area of this site.

On October 12, 2008 I gave the Keynote address at the Victory Brunch during the International LeatherSir/Leatherboy and Community Boot Black weekend. Below is the text of the speech.

Good morning. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Let me first offer my congratulations to the new International LeatherSir, Raul Mendez, the new International Leatherboy, Bill Hoeppner, and the new International Community Bootblack, Black-Jack Pearce. I hope that each of you has a great adventure ahead of you this coming year and I wish you nothing but success and a lot of fun as you carry out your title year.

I’d also like to extend my sincere thanks to everyone involved with the planning and execution of this great weekend. It’s nice to be associated with an event like this that places such primary importance on the types of sex that we have and the variety of erotic relationships that we embrace. After all, these constitute the very essence of why we congregate together and why we’re here today.

Throughout my speech I’ll be mentioning input, comments and quotes from various men I talked to about this speech’s topic and I thank them for their assistance. Their wisdom most certainly helped me hone the focus of this speech. However, I take full responsibility for its content, for better or for worse.

And finally thanks to all of you for being here and gracing me with your presence. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I have to say. I’ll do my best to be brief and I hope you find what I have to offer useful.

Many years ago, late at night, men would amble down certain side streets South of Market here in San Francisco, not far from where we are right now. They were looking for other men, they were looking for sex, and they were looking for adventure. It’s unlikely that any of them were thinking too much about titles or workshops or much else besides their dicks, their asses and their fantasies. Ah, those were the times.

I fondly recall those nights because I was often one of those men. And I most certainly wasn’t thinking about titles or workshops or anything else besides sex. My sole focus was on the maverick scenes and outlaw sex that I’ve gravitated to since I was a teenager. To put this in the vernacular that this particular weekend embraces, for me it was about the play. The play was, and, for me, still is the thing.

When I was asked to deliver this speech to you today, I initially hesitated. I didn’t say yes right away. Why? Because I am one of those individuals in our midst that walks a fine line between embracing the title system and shunning it. I’ve known so many great titleholders, past and present, but I’ve also known some titleholders who have fallen short, a few dreadfully short. And at best the entire system has a checkered past in producing the people who I feel truly represent me, my sexuality, and those gangs of sexual outlaws that I move through this scene alongside.

So, when I was asked to deliver this speech the first thing I did before replying was to go to this event’s web site. Here is the wording I found that described the contest:

“You might say we’re the “bad boys” of leather contests. One of the defining characteristics from other contests is the upfront philosophy that LeatherSir/Leatherboy is about sex. Both the contest and titles are about the representation of the sexual side of the gay male leatherman. Our goals include networking and outreach to help educate the community about leathermen, our erotic expression, traditions and history – and of course, hot leather sex!”

OK, I thought. I can get behind that. At first blush it appeared to be right up my alley. I take great pride in my reputation as a bit of a rabble rouser and linking myself to the bad boys of the contest circuit had a definite appeal. So I said yes, I’ll do the keynote. When it comes to the importance of focusing on the play that we do I felt I had something to contribute because, in many ways, I think our scene has perhaps lost its way in this regard.

Now because I have in my network of fellow sexual outlaws a bunch of men whose opinion I respect, I asked some of them for their input on the topic. When asking for their input I sent them the language that was published on the International LeatherSir/Leatherboy web site to promote the speech which stated that I:

“…will address the need to bring play out of the darkness, why it’s long past due to proudly embrace such play as a lifestyle and the importance of having a titleholder put a face to it for our community.”

So when I started to receive responses to my email blast, I was astonished at the responses I received. Many were supportive, but many were not and it was the least supportive ones that gave me pause because they came from some of the most experienced and respected players on my email list. And I have one hell of an email list.

One man wrote “I doubt I can contribute to this in any constructive way. I’m not sure I agree with the premise… I prefer to play in the dark.”

Another wrote “Everyone talks about ‘world peace’ or whatever is the popular mantra of the day. When have they represented the deeper side of SM play? The blood, the connection, and the power? I have little faith that the title system will ever really speak for ‘me’ or really even ‘to’ me… Can someone please break with convention, bend or break most of the rules, piss on the self proclaimed rules police of the community, draw some blood without apology, and have a brain?” I think that constitutes a less than positive response.

Yet another wrote, after a rather very long tirade on the topic of the speech itself, “Dear old friend….who ever thought up this subject for your speech is no friend of yours. It is so loaded with gay and straight social-sexual land mines that I wouldn’t even touch it. This is a no win speech subject.”

Shit, I thought. What have I gotten myself into as these were some of the first responses that arrived in my inbox, and all from long-time, established and respected players.

Then a few more responses came in that were much more positive. One was “We need to bring play out of the darkness, because there are people who want to hurt and control us, and by keeping it in the darkness of the dungeon and the darkness of our private bedrooms, we help them in their efforts to control and hurt us.”

Another wrote “I’ve said for years that whenever gay men and women are afraid to show public displays of affection, it perpetuates the fear and ignorance that’s projected on us from the heterosexual community. Now, the way this transfers to this topic, is very clear. If we, as kinky sons of bitches, are afraid to let other gay people know what we’re “into”, how can we expect to gain respect in our own community?!? If we keep our kink, our play, in the closet…we’re not only limiting our possibilities of finding others who are into what we’re into…but it also suggests that we’re still harboring guilt and shame about that play, that we love and need so much.”

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Let’s just say there was a lot of feedback. A lot. This is but a small sampling of what I received. The feelings, and many of them were extremely strong and impassioned feelings, were all over the map, from very positive to very negative and everything in between. I had my work cut out for me. This wasn’t going to be the slam dump topic I had hoped for. Clearly there was not universal acceptance of the basic premise of the speech.

The reservations expressed by the naysayers among my respondents seemed to coalesce primarily around two themes.

The first questioned the wisdom of bringing what we do out of the darkness at all. Many of the longstanding players within my network appeared to very much like playing in the darkness and, indeed, revel in that darkness. It is often the outlaw nature, the underground aesthetic, of what we do that heightens its appeal.

The second theme that was prevalent challenged the use of the word play. One man put it this way. “A former boy of mine…would object to the phrase ‘play as a lifestyle’ since he doesn’t consider himself to be playing at being a slave.” Others expressed similar reservations with the word play.

So, what appeared at first to me to be a rather simple and direct topic now became one mired in semantics, controversy, suspicion, cross-perceptions and stylistic differences. What was I to do with all of this input that I also had resolve with my own thinking on the subject while at the same time delivering to you a speech that actually has some value? And I wanted to speak today not only to the newly sashed titleholders of this weekend, but to everyone in our scene. Needless to say, I was concerned. I sat in front of my computer for many hours staring at the screen, not sure what to write. For those of you that know me you know I’m rarely at a loss for words.

So let me attempt to tackle the three main contentions originally part of my speech topic: bringing play out of the darkness; embracing play as a lifestyle; and having titleholders represent both of these things.

Initially, we have to establish what we mean by the language we’re using. The language of our scene is tricky because it’s not always perceived with universally accepted definitions. Specifically, what do we mean by “darkness” and what do we mean by “play”.

I see the darkness as potentially meaning two things. On the one hand, it can mean the clandestine, and often necessarily clandestine, nature of what we do. The way we engage with each other erotically is often so easily misunderstood by all but the most seasoned and experienced players that it must take place in the dark, away from the eyes and ears of those who can’t be expected to understand it.

I’ve often used the analogy of someone unknowingly walking onto a movie set as a staged fight is underway. The stark reality of the fight is all the bystander can see and hear because that appears to be the reality in front of them. There is no way they can be expected to understand the negotiations, precautions, setup, planned outs, and other factors that went into the preparations and that dwell in the consciousness of the men engaged in the fight before their eyes. Misunderstanding is not only possible, but likely. How could it be otherwise?

Is this the darkness to which we allude?

Or is the darkness the shame and guilt that so often keeps many of us from fully enjoying and exploring the style of sex and relationships that our basic natures gravitate towards?

Or is the darkness something else altogether, or these combined with other determiners?

For the purpose of this speech, I’m going to define the darkness simply as that which we do out of the public eye.

So what about play? Some bristle at the word play because they perceive it as a diminutive, as a word that lessens the importance of what we do. I honestly don’t think anyone who uses it means it in that sense. I certainly don’t.

I recall a famous work of early kinky fiction that used the word “work” to define what we do in our bedrooms and dungeons. Personally, I find that word offensive because I think it degrades what we do by relegating it to a task, a process, almost a business dealing.

For this speech, I’m defining play simply as whatever it is each of us does erotically as our outside-of-the-box sexuality.

So, the big question. Does our play need to be brought out of the darkness? The best answer I can give you is, it depends.

Next big question. Does our play need a community representative? The best answer I can give you is, it depends.

And here is my reasoning.

The outreach and public interaction that titleholders, we here in this room, and anyone in the scene engages in must be measured and nuanced, depending on the audience. And I see the potential audiences for any exposure of our scene to fall into one of five categories.

The first is what I’m imagining is the camp most of us here in this room fall into, the more hardcore among us. These are the people who often see what we do sexually as an identity and a lifestyle. When reaching out to this crowd you’re generally preaching to the choir because they know enough already, or at least think they do, to function as is quite nicely in the kinky activities that they enjoy.

For many of these people their sexuality and their lifestyle are synonymous. But this is a rarified group as a percentage of the entire scene and this is something we must not forget. We here, in this room, do not represent the demographic for the vast majority of kinky adventurers. If we lose sight of this, we run a tremendous risk of misplaying our hand when dealing with the public.

So is this the group that needs outreach? I don’t think so. Yet, this is too often the group to whom the outreach messages are delivered. Has anyone else noticed that when you go to many of the leather/SM/fetish events around this country you see most of the same faces? This happens on a local level as well. These guys have heard the messages, attended the workshops, sat in on the discussion groups, and played together for a while. Can they benefit from further education? Of course they can. We all can. But the truth is this group already knows where to get that information if and when they need it.

The next type of audience is those already entrenched in our style of play and our way of socializing, but who do not consider it a lifestyle and don’t necessarily use their kinky sexuality as a point of identification. This is where the bulk of the kinky among us reside and where they are most comfortable remaining. These are not the lifestylers. These are not those who debate scene politics. These are not the clubs joiners. These are not those who strive to learn every aspect of erotic interaction, but rather stay quite happily in the edgy erotic realms they find most comfortable and exciting.

I see this group as the primary audience for the educational outreach such as the BDSM technique workshops held here this weekend. The outreach to this group should be targeted to improve their skill levels, their safety awareness, and provide forums in which they can discuss issues of importance to them.

These two groups, the lifestylers and the regular players, form what I call the inner sanctum of our scene. A sanctum is a holy place, and I use the word in that sense. Not holy in a religious sense, but in the sense that the knowledge, traditions, skills, power dynamics, brotherhoods, and other inner workings of this inner sanctum should take place within our ranks and only exposed to others upon very careful consideration.

One of my cohorts pointed out that doing what we do in public, in daylight, not in darkness, invites the unqualified to observe us, scrutinize us, opine about us, and consider whether they think it wise to legislate or restrict us.

I’d like to state now, again, quite clearly, that our inner sanctum, the darkness that allows our scene to flourish and grow and that keeps it hot for many of us, must be sustained, it must be protected, and it must be held sacred.

The next group falls outside of the inner sanctum. They are the curious who may one day be among us. This is the person who might show up at an event appearing to be an outsider. One who hangs in the background observing, curious, but not yet interacting. We must not judge this group. How often have you heard someone lambast a man who dared to enter a leather bar in sneakers? These guys may not even consider themselves kinky, but there is something about what we do, who we are, and how we socialize that appeals to them and we shun them at our own risk. Without them our scene will die. Not shrink. Not morph. Actually die. At least for the social aspects of what we do. Unless we nurture this particular group we might as well play only with each other until we all die off many years from now and watch our scene set into a sunset of obscurity.

When it comes to the educational pursuits we engage in with this crowd, we must be gentle. A newcomer does not necessarily need to know about or see a single tail whipping to blood. They don’t necessarily need to know about or see someone beaten black and blue head to toe. They have no point of reference. They have no context in which to place what they see and hear. How could they? This group must be gently brought into our midst with their hands held and with the collective attitude from us of “it’s going to be fine, I’m here for you.”

I recall a time, many years ago, when a leather/SM/fetish group in Los Angeles was hosting an SM 101 workshop. Just before the workshop began a small band of more experienced players that were in attendance began to talk about some of the most extreme and twisted types of scenes they do. The look of shock and fear on the faces of most of the newcomers there was evident. One actually tried to leave and had to be coaxed into staying. This is an example of bad delivery, inappropriate delivery, to this kind of audience.

The fourth group I call the understanding and well-informed. Generally, the GLBT community falls into this camp. They’ve been around leathermen and leatherwomen for so long that, even when they don’t know the specifics of what we do, they have developed a sense of camaraderie and kinship that fosters a sense of common purpose when it comes to sexual freedoms and certain other rights.

Our outreach to this group needs to be minimal and should involve only those areas where tensions can arise if misunderstandings are not addressed. Leather inclusion in GLBT events is a good example of a worthy outreach effort to this particular group.

Finally, there is the general public. These are the people with absolutely no context, and no motivation, to understand or accept us. Any outreach efforts to this group must only glean over what we do in private and be couched in language that is very non-threatening.

Awareness of us by these people, the general public, outside the BDSM, sexual or more progressive worlds is important only to make sure our rights are protected so that we may continue to do what we do. That’s it. No more. They do not need to know the specifics of what we do. They do not need to be confronted with imagery on their turf that offends due to the shear shock of it. This does not mean we should hide when within their ranks, but it does mean we should be prudent about how we behave and how much we tell them.

Now, for those who will claim that my position on adjusting our message to the various audiences stems from a stance of shame or guilt, I completely disagree. It is strategic, and any outreach, any education, worth doing is worth having a strategy that works. Otherwise why bother. There will be those among us who choose to grandstand and throw caution to the wind when dealing with the general public, but I believe we must rein those folks in as much as possible, and if necessary, distance ourselves from them. If we do not we run the risk of being doomed by the tyranny of the vocal minority.

And I defend the rationale of keeping much of the inner sanctum’s workings from the eyes and ears of the majority of the population. As one esteemed member of our clan commented, political parties like Republicans and Democrats caucus behind closed doors and they do so for good reasons. So do the Masons, Roman Catholic Cardinals, The Joint Chiefs of Staff, and many other groups. Why? Because it’s strategically sound to do so.

So, speaking of strategies, what might some of the outreach and education strategies we can use be?

First and foremost, understand that everyone does not need to know every detail about us and what we do. In fact, that’s a bad idea. Our message and delivery must be tailored to the audience.

I recall an instance many years ago when I was asked to be on a television talk show that was popular at the time hosted by Sally Jesse Rafael. The producer had called me to be on as a representative of the BDSM scene. All of our negotiations were going fine until she asked me what I would be wearing and I said a nice shirt and slacks. Silence on the other end of the phone. I could tell she was balking. She said they were thinking perhaps I should come on stage in full leather, perhaps pulling along a slave on a leash. I know some in our scene have done this, but I knew it was a bad idea and I pulled out of the show. That would have been a case of easy-to-misunderstand messages with an improper delivery method. And it was clearly an instance of our scene being sensationalized and potentially demonized. I urge everyone to consider public outreach with similar careful consideration.

We should consider the use of talking points. When a group has a message they wish to consistently deliver to the public, they produce a set of talking points. Talking points get a bad rap in this politically charged time we’re in, and yes they’re sometimes misused, but they have power. They keep a group on message. They keep a group disciplined (and you know how much some of us like discipline).

Analogies are powerful tools when communicating hard to understand concepts and information. Remember the example of the movie set with the fight going on I mentioned earlier. Analogies like this illustrate concepts in ways difficult to do when simply stating facts.

We should use comparisons powerfully. When someone brings up the danger of BDSM, for example, offer a comparison to skydiving, boxing, football, or rock climbing to illustrate that somewhat risky endeavors can be done by consenting adults with proper care and preparation. And if it comes up, point out that yes, there may be accidents or mishaps that arise, but that does not negate the rights of people to engage in the activity. Few would argue that outlawing rock climbing or skydiving is feasible even though accidents have occurred in the past and will in the future.

We can utilize self identification communication tools to get a message across. If you can help an individual find an aspect of their own life that they can relate our experience to, use it. As an example, perhaps you can remind them that some people still consider oral sex kinky. Assuming they’re into oral sex, all of a sudden you’ve identified them as potentially kinky, just like us. Whatever the self identification anchor used, the moment someone relates something they hold near and dear in their lives to what we do and who we are, that’s the moment they begin to accept us, or at least tolerate us.

Language has power and we should choose it carefully. As Rudyard Kipling said, “Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.” So do we really want to use words like sadist, masochist, slave and other loaded words that we might understand, but some others outside the inner sanctum most likely will not? Choose gentler language that conveys the same meaning and might deliver the message without the resistance that more stark language would engender. Even the word kinky can erect walls blocking communication. Would replacing kinky sex with something like creative sex or adventurous sex deliver the same message more clearly and avoid those kneejerk reactions. We should at least consider it.

And with these various strategies we should target our outreach to where it does the most good. Forget attempting the normalization of us and our scene, except perhaps when reaching out to professionals like psychotherapists and doctors. With them is makes sense.

There are many of us who don’t want to be normal. Many of us actually find the concept of normalization distasteful. It’s why we identify with the rebel nature of our sexuality in the first place.

Some consider the attempt at normalization an overextension of people’s queer self-victimization. People are used to fighting for rights for orientation, race, gender, and so on, which gives them a way of thinking about the world, a certain paradigm in which they are the victim to the inequities of the world. But once we adopt the perspective of the victim, we apply it to everything, including our scene.

A friend pointed out that the attempt by some in our scene at normalization stems, perhaps, from thinking of ourselves as a community rather than the outlaw sexual creatures we are. He feels identifying as a community started the whole “out of the darkness” movement since some people see BDSM as their core identity and entire life and find themselves in a lifestyle that is by definition marginalized. They then apply what they know about “fighting back” to a world where it perhaps does not belong. I think he makes a good point and it’s certainly worth considering.

Remember to carefully select the information you plan to convey and tailor it to your audience. No two audiences will be the same and we should all take the time to ensure that we’ve considered the ramifications of the content of what we say.

For those familiar with Taoism, these words might sound familiar. “Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done…” Force will not work when we reach out to those we want to understand us, to those who might hold the keys to procuring our rights to be who we are and do what we do. When dealing outside the inner sanctum, think gentle. Think strategic. And always remember this scene is for us, not them. Protect the inner sanctum lest it become meaningless and empty.

To Raul, Bill, and Black-Jack, you have been granted the gift of a platform from which to do outreach and education. You are now among the representatives for many of us and I hope you understand the depth of trust that’s been placed in your hands. Use it wisely. Choose your words carefully. Assess the audiences you encounter and hone your message and style to suit the situation. This is how you’ll best represent us.

Remember also that, although every person in our scene is a model for others, your elevation to the limelight opens your behavior and opinions to greater scrutiny. Especially for this title year, many will look to you as models. Models are important. With the bewildering ways in which sex, and especially kinky sex, can find expression, it really helps to have a model, an example, a living demonstration if you will. People can imitate models, resist models, argue and play off models, and use models as landmarks in their own erotic journeys.

And to everyone else in this audience, while you may or may not have an official platform from which to do outreach and education, every one of you is an emissary for the kinky, from the casual foot fetishist to the hardcore master. Each of you should take equal care in representing yourself, your brethren and your scene appropriately.

As one of San Francisco’s noted leathermen said to me recently, “It’s so true that the diamonds that sparkle the most are the ones with the most facets.” Remember that our scene has many facets, inside and outside the inner sanctum. They’re all beautiful. Let’s show the world the beauty of our many facets, the beauty of our scene. And we can do that it if we all approach it properly. We can do it if we respect the desire of some of our brethren to protect the sacredness of the inner sanctum, while also respecting the desire of some of us to reach beyond the inner sanctum when the objectives make strategic sense to do so.

Thank you for your time and your attention.

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Periodically I’ll ask someone within the nontraditional (alternative) sexuality or relationship communities 5 specific questions. Here are one person’s answers.

1. If you could offer people in your community just one bit of advice based on your experience, what would it be? Use your imagination and think creatively. Invention will keep play sexy, edgy and fun. (Of course be sure to think of the appropriate safety measures)

2. Is there anything you see as particularly positive going on in your community right now? I see the different aspects of our community that may not have interacted in the past coming together in coalition building. People are talking about gender issues, education and preserving our history, creating space for kinky youth, etc. Some groups that may have been exclusive in the past are thinking about how to be inclusive so that we may persist with the strong values that were forged from the beginning.

3. Is there anything you see as particularly negative going on in your community right now? The easy access to information is great to have via informational books and the internet but it may create a false sense of expertise. I would encourage hand-on skills training and mentorships in addition to knowledge gained by books and online readings.

4. How could your community best be improved? Get involved, no matter how small it may seem. Even meeting someone new and starting a conversation about leather could change a person’s life.

5. Think ahead 10 years. Where do you see your community heading? In 10 years, I see a new generation working with experienced players to welcome people in exploring sexuality. The community would be more visible and accessible for those seeking kink.

Lamalani Siverts is a Seattle resident and held the title of Washington State Ms. Leather 2008 before winning the title of International Ms Leather 2009 (http://www.internationalmsleather.com/). The International Ms Leather contest is held in San Francisco April 15th -18th, 2010 (http://www.imsl.org/). Professionally, she makes bondage rope with Twisted Monk.

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