This past Sunday, August 15th, I was honored to receive a 2010 Lifetime Achievement Award at the Pantheon of Leather XX ceremony held in Los Angeles. I’d like to thank Dave Rhodes of The Leather Journal, the esteemed selection committee, and everyone who has supported me and my efforts over the years. I’m a very lucky man to have so many wonderful people in my life.
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The Sydney Morning Herald just published a great article titled We’re just swingers after all that discusses the positions held in the new book, Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Sex At Dawn uses information from anthropology, archeology, anatomy and primatology to put forth the case that monogamy isn’t necessarily natural for our species and is a relatively recent phenomenon when it comes to human history. Ryan and Jetha also contend that a culture that holds up monogamy as the default standard may suffer some serious negative ramifications by doing so. For the non-monogamous among us as well as those that wish to better understand them, this article is worth checking out.
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I dislike stuff. Well, that’s not quite right. I dislike owning too much stuff. I’m not sure why, but the more I own the more it clutters my life in both physical and mental ways. I’ve begun adopting a more minimalistic approach to my life for quite a while now and that scrutiny is finally starting to creep into my kink and sex.
Simplicity is one of those universal principles that applies across a wide spectrum of life experience. Minimalism, the concept that embraces as perhaps superior that which is stripped to its essentials or spare, is predicated on simplicity and the “keep it simple” phrase is a suitable synopsis of minimalistic thinking. Keep it simple is a phrase that crosses my mind often as I approach my erotic life nowadays.
There are two specific areas in which I follow the simpler is better motto: physical and mental. The physical realm is the touching, the sex/kink act itself. The mental encompasses basic animal attraction to the more complex sophisticated eroticmind scenarios and associations. When I approach either aspect of my sexuality with minimalism in mind, it nearly always narrows my focus and ups my level of enjoyment. It might for you too.
Perhaps some examples will illustrate how this all applies to me and how it might to you also.
First the physical. For years I was an avowed gear junkie. I could never walk into a fetish clothing, sex gear, or book store and walk out empty handed. I liked my fetish garb, my toys and my mental erotic stimulation. Lots of it. Over time, though, I found that adopting an acquisition mindset wasn’t making me any happier when it came to my sex life. The more stuff I owned, the more I had to keep track of, the more I had to learn to use, the more I had to store, the more I had to lug around, and so on. Gear was literally weighting me down and choking off my sex.
Eventually I started to pare down my collection. In the beginning I simply packed less in a toybag. I wore only that which made me truly erotically comfortable. Then I started to consider more carefully my purchases. I asked myself if what I was considering buying was something I’d use a lot. I got honest with myself. Often the answer was no, I wouldn’t use it much most likely. Then I started to slowly purge the extraneous from my collection. The end result is a small set of well-worn and well-used items. And not only was I using more of my stuff more often, but I was getting much better at using them. No musician can adequately learn every instrument. To some extent that applies to sexplay as well. I chose to strive for maestro status in a narrower range of play and I find it far more satisfying.
On a mental plane, my minimalistic approach has pushed me towards high quality experiences and broadened what I consider “hot” in terms of both variations of sexplay and variations in sex partners. I approach my sex with an eye towards simplicity and by doing so have connected better with a wider range of people erotically. Simultaneously I found my mind considering new sexual arenas in which to play. What just a few years ago I’d never even considered was now ensconcing itself in my sexual psyche. In short, I started to ignore the unnecessary rules, I got kinkier, fully embraced what I did like while being quite comfortable with not liking certain things, and I had better intimate connections when I played. How hot is that?!
For those who find a large array of garb or gear satisfying, great! For those who are ultimately turned on by keeping their erotic mindset highly complicated and complex, great! By no means do I consider my minimalistic approach right for everyone, but I do hope it’s at least something you’ll consider as you ponder what might make your sex life better.
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OK, you probably knew this post was coming. The person who won International Mr. Leather this year is a female-to-male transgender man who uses a wheelchair much of the time. With due respect to Tyler McCormick, the man who won, every report I got from those in attendance was that he did a superb job as a contestant. Congratulations on your win. There’s an interview with Tyler on Leatherati.com for those who might be interested.
The discussion within the inner sanctum of the kinky gay men’s scene has been steady and often heated about this outcome. I’ve chatted with many guys and a large number seem quite happy with the man who won. An equally large number appear to have serious reservations about the situation with some being downright pissed off. Some applauded the decision. Some derided the decision. Some don’t give a damn one way or the other. On balance, I honestly think most guys fall into the “don’t give a damn one way or the other” camp. This does not discount the importance of this event though. The outcome is in my opinion a tipping point.
A tipping point, as Malcolm Gladwell explains it in his book titled Tipping Point, is a moment in time when, quite suddenly, a trend shifts. The moment Tyler won his IML title this year I believe a tipping point occurred. I believe this is the moment in time when many folks started getting real about contests.
My contention for a long time has been that the contest scene and the mainstream sexual aspects of the scene have been steadily diverging. The contest circuit has become its own self-sustaining ecosystem that functions as a subset of, but not always necessarily representative of, the larger kinky gay men’s scene. Yes, I know this is heresy to some, but it’s how I see it. As a kinky gay man I can enjoy contests, mingle with the contest crowd, and I count many titleholders and contest organizers among my friends. However, I don’t consider the contest scene to be necessarily representative of my erotic identity or sexuality at all. For one thing, they’re still very “leather” focused and leather identity is not the cohesive glue that holds us together like it once might have been.
We should all remember that those of us who follow this kind of stuff carefully are a relatively small bunch. The movers and shakers amongst the kinky (myself included) are not necessarily representative of the majority of gay men in the scene. I know a lot of FTMs (and have played with some). I’ve been tightly involved with pansexual organizations and events. I have a wide cross section of men and women as friends within the scene. But I have to always keep in mind I am not the norm. The average kinky gay man doesn’t give a damn about scene politics, organizational structures, contests, titleholders, fundraisers to which they might not relate, and so on. They simply want to be the sexual rebels they want to be. For those men I think many will part ways more and more with the contest scene except perhaps insofar as it’s a place to connect and get laid. Again, that’s not a judgment, but what I consider reality.
My personal take on the whole thing is neutral for the most part. I don’t think contests are something bad. They aren’t. I now liken the contest circuit to the court system within the larger LGBT community. It has its own community, priorities, protocols, rituals, honors, awards and social constructs. It is a subset of the overall LGBT community, but does not necessarily “represent” that entire community in the sense that not all LGBT folks relate to the court system or its adherents. They might attend a court event or mix socially with court members and winners, but that doesn’t mean they relate to them personally whatsoever. That’s not a judgment, just an observation.
Perhaps I’m overstating the importance of this event. I’m not sure. Time will tell. Our scene is ultimately a sexual scene. The entire core around which our scene is focused is sexual. As such, we like what we like. Our genitals and the erotic components of our brains don’t lie and they tell us what they like. Most kinky gay men still want their icons, titleholders or otherwise, to be someone they can sexually relate to and most gay men will not relate to an FTM no matter how wonderful of a person they might be (and I’ve heard nothing but nice things about Tyler). Perhaps over time that will change, but right now I believe this to be the case. Maybe Tyler and others will change these erotic sensibilities, but men must remain true to what turns them on.
There’s no reason the contest aspects and mainstream aspects of our scene can’t coexist quite nicely. The reason so many gay men are pissed off about this year’s IML outcome is that they wrongly, in my opinion, buy into the notion that a titleholder is supposed to represent them. I’ve known many titleholders who are lovely people. They truly won their contests and many have done great things, but I have not for one minute felt that they all represented me personally. And that’s to be expected. How could any one person represent everyone. They can’t.
I’ve been sort of sitting on the sidelines watching all of this transpire and observed it mostly as a fascinating sociological happening within our scene. I know some are really worked up about this outcome, but I try to remain calm and thoughtful about it. I also know people typically have very short attention spans and this turmoil could all easily die down quite quickly, or not. Again, time will tell. I just find it all fascinating.
My only hope is that we all discuss this civilly and respect each other. Perhaps the dissension that’s occurring is part of the natural growing pains of any body of people that’s emerged from the closet and taken the next steps to organize and socialize on a broader and more public scale. Regardless, let’s be nice to each other. We don’t have to agree.
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I’ve made a big decision (at least a big decision for me) that was a difficult one to make. I’ve decided I’m going to try and avoid using the word “leather” as often as possible when referring to what’s historically been called the leather community. I know this is heresy to some, but it just seems to make sense to me at this point in time. As someone who came out into kink at a very young age amidst the burgeoning leather scene, this is not an easy pill to swallow. Reality, though, dictates this change for me.
Once upon a time the leather naming convention made sense. Virtually all of the BDSM/kink world in which I circulated related to the term leather. Leather garb was the norm. It was ubiquitous. The biker aesthetic was so pervasive that it was virtually the only accepted way to dress and present oneself as a kinky gay man or woman (at least amongst gays and lesbians). That is no longer the case.
While I move within all gender and orientation circles, my main stomping ground is within the kinky gay male community. Take a look at how the kinky gay men of today dress, especially the younger guys, and you’ll notice it’s all over the map. Some still wear traditional leather, but many others are choosing leather-like imagery such as Nasty Pig. Others choose sports gear. Still others choose the skinhead look. A wide range of uniforms are popular. Yet others prefer rubber. And more looks and expressions meant to transmit a preference for various sexualities are emerging constantly. Leather just doesn’t fit enough situations anymore to be considered an all-encompassing term.
Here’s the hard part though. What can we use to replace the term leather? In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure. What I do know is that the variations of sexuality, how we identify with them, and how we dress to indicate such preferences, are changing rapidly. Our terminology isn’t.
I’m a word guy. Words have power. To cling to the term leather simply because of its historical significance is to potentially do a disservice to the entire scene itself. If you’re someone just exploring your kinky self, and don’t relate to the leather imagery, what are you to do? The nuanced explanations that leather has come to encompass lots of non-leather as well is just plain confusing to many neophytes. Why not broaden our terminology to more adequately include folks who might otherwise be dissuaded from being part of our world?
Using the term leather can also actually hurt the community. As one small example, I was talking with someone who mentioned that a well-known community member (who should have known better) was judging a leather contest and actually gave a contestant a low mark because they chose to wear some rubber when competing. What the fuck? How archaic a notion. An otherwise stellar individual was marked down because they chose to express their kinky self using some rubber instead of all leather (it was just one article of rubber amidst many other outfits of leather). See, words do have power. Utter the word leather enough and pretty soon it becomes a perceived de facto standard that doesn’t fit the reality it purports to represent. We need to move on.
I’m not saying there aren’t proper usages for the word leather. I’m sure I will continue to use it in certain circumstances. It’s just now one of many terms I plan to use, not the only term. What are those other terms? Stay tuned. I’m still working that out. I know many have used the leather/SM/fetish convention (myself included), but that gets clunky after a while. So if you have any other good suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
For those who might chuckle, yes I understand the irony that the advertisement below is for a company famous for its excellent leather.
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With the recent announcement by wireless providers of phones capable of two-way video talk, I believe online cruising for dating and sex partners has just taken a giant leap. This changes a lot in my opinion.
Today it’s just two phones (that I’m aware of) capable of video chat with the eventual ease of a simple phone call. But technology advances at an increasingly brisk pace nowadays. I’m sure more phones and services will step up to the plate and offer their own competing versions quite soon. The era of the ubiquitous video phone call will soon be upon us. Imagine the possibilities.
Whether it’s people meeting on a dating site or cruising for sex on a hookup site, the fact that we will now be able to view the person we’re talking with changes the game. No longer does anyone have to wonder if the photo in a person’s profile is real, recent or doctored in some way. Visual cues we get from seeing a person while we’re talking to them dramatically increases the thoroughness of the communication. The resulting snap assessment we make of people will be far more accurate. This can only improve our choices in partners and friends. Add into all that the phone’s GPS capabilities able to pinpoint the location of both parties and their proximity and you have a recipe for a perfect storm to change our cruising habits forever.
Sure, we now have internet web cam chat. Lots of people communicate that way. Phones, however, are with us at all times and are less complex. They’re incredibly convenient. They are truly becoming small laptops we carry with us 24/7. Their computing power is amazing relative to their size. I think in many cases people will choose the mobility of a phone over a larger computer or even a tablet. At least I think so. If so, this will be another technology shift in the varieties of ways we pursue our sex and relationship connections. I find this fascinating and am looking forward to seeing it all unfold. It’s going to be interesting.
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The men at Leatherati.com asked me to contribute my thoughts about the decision made by the International Mr. Leather organizers to address the barebacking issue through restrictions they placed on their vendor area participants. You can read my opinion along with the opinions of other thoughtful men on the Leatherati.com In-Depth Issues page.
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I’ve been working on a long overdue rewrite of my book, Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking. As part of that rewrite, I was considering rephrasing the subtitle for the new edition. One of my quandaries was the use of the acronym S/M. Since the original book was published in 1992, I wondered if the S/M form of the acronym still held up. So I created a Facebook post and asked my friends this question: “Do you prefer one of these acronym configurations over the other: S&M or S/M or SM?” The replies stimulated a very long thread of discussion.
As background, most of my Facebook friends are at least somewhat kinky or kink friendly. So this is an appropriate question for that forum. Here’s a sampling of the responses with a few of them rephrased. There are a lot of them, but I think it’s important to see the variety. (My thanks to everyone who participated in this discussion thread. You folks rock!)
And as one person aptly put it, “I am thankful that I don’t have to write about it and can just do it. Whew!” I can understand their thankfulness for not having to navigate what can be a tricky nomenclature us kinky folks use.
So, here’s my point. Please let’s not get too caught up in the language we use because language, by its very nature, is inexact. What is “top” or “kinky” or “sub” or whatever descriptor we use means to us is quite likely not going to mean exactly the same thing to someone else. Giving each other some latitude with our terminology can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. And let’s forget coming up with a “better” way to put something. I’m not sure it exists. Again, language is inexact. Let’s just cut each other some slack and spend some time getting to know what each other really means when we use such terms.
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I just came back from a retail excursion to my favorite local leather and sex gear store here in San Francisco. Of course, the handsome salesman at the store was smart enough to show me one of the new erotic gadgets that just came onto the market. Without getting into specifics, let’s just say it was quite a cool device. I bought it.
However, I didn’t buy it too impulsively. One of the things I’ve learned over my many years of purchasing sex gear is that often I end up not using it. Things looks incredibly enticing at the time, but then when I actually get into the bedroom or playroom, I end up not using much of what I own. Why is that? It has to do with the 80/20 rule of sex gear.
Many of you reading this will recognize the 80/20 rule. Originally known as The Pareto Principle, it contends that about 80% of effects come from 20% of causes and its origins are from the business management theory realm. A version of the 80/20 rule has also been applied to economics, time management and many other aspects of life. Now I’m applying it to sex gear.
So my 80/20 Rule of Sex Gear goes like this: We tend to use 20% of our sex gear 80% of the time. Maybe you’ve discovered this too. During your erotic play you tend to reach for the same few toys and devices while the bulk of your collection sits idle much or all of the time. This tends to happen with fetish clothing as well. I’ve talked about this with other people and everyone seems to have similar experiences. So, back to my purchase today.
As the salesman was showing me the cool device that I ended up buying, I temporarily suppressed my natural tendency to want to own every sex toy I see and paused for a moment. I projected my thinking into the future and asked myself “Will I really use this often enough to make the purchase worthwhile”? Obviously I felt I would, but pausing to ask myself that question has eliminated a lot of unnecessary purchases over the years and honed by sex gear collection to items I use most of the time.
This has a few advantages. Of course, one advantage is that it saves me money that I might otherwise spend on things I won’t really use. But even more importantly for me, by focusing my money and efforts on fewer items that I end up using more often, I use them to better effect. By having fewer things that I use more often, I use them much more effectively during my sexual play. My skill level with them goes up significantly because I use them so much more often. I’m also not rifling through a toybox filled with unused items trying to search for that one thing I use a lot.
So, by all means, buy sex gear. Whether it’s fetish clothing, BDSM gear or other sexual paraphernalia, I always encourage people to expand their horizons and enjoy sex in all its forms. Just add my 80/20 rule to your sexual retail outings or online purchases and you’ll not only save money, but you’ll probably improve your play as well.
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No, this isn’t a post about actually having casual sex with David Ortmann (although perhaps he’d like that). Rather, it’s about his wonderful blogtalk radio show called Casual Sex.
Casual Sex is a call-in show hosted by David Ortmann, a San Francisco based psychotherapist, sex therapist and author. As a psychotherapeutic practitioner, his areas of focus and study are the sexuality of the BDSM and leather communities, concepts and theories of masculinity, and the processes of human attachment and differentiation. Visit his psychotherapy practice site to read more about him and his practice.
I know David personally and have the utmost respect for him as a person, as a psychotherapist, and as one of the great contemporary voices within the sexuality and relationship communities today. David’s style and his show’s style bring a sense of casualness and playfulness into discussions about sex, sexuality, and the relationship dynamics that occur within the various sexuality communities. David’s approach is that sex is supposed to be fun and it’s a refreshing approach that I’m sure you’ll enjoy.
Tune in to David’s show and you’ll likely hear discussions about monogamy, polyamory, traditional sex, kinky sex, roleplaying, bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sado-masochism, fetishes, couples, triads, quads, lingerie, lace, leather, and a lot more.
Do yourself a favor and tune in to David’s next show. You won’t be disappointed.
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