The following is an edited version of the keynote speech delivered by Mark Frazier on February 28, 2010 at the South Plains Leatherfest held in Dallas, Texas. Mark approved this edited version and allowed me to post it here for you to read. While I have a more relaxed perspective than Mark on leather dress and role symbols, I feel he makes some excellent points in the speech. Enjoy and discuss.

I was invited to our lifestyle community in the mid 80’s. Since that time, I have participated in over 1600 workshops and attended well over a 1000 events. I have been involved in every type of relationship imaginable including gay, het, swinger, Daddy/boy, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive and many others, but I still refer to myself as Mark. Others refer to me as many other things – it’s the good, the bad and the ugly.

So I was asked to give your keynote since somebody thinks I learned some valuable lessons along the way and can hopefully pass on those lessons to others.

Let me share with you that most of that learning occurred simply because I watched and listened before opening my mouth and sticking my foot into it. Watching and listening, now there is a novel concept?

This morning as I stroll down memory lane, I would like to take some time to offer a comparison between our community now and then, and to give a few of my opinions on the subject. Let me state that again. These are my opinions.

Probably much like you, one of the first lessons I was taught when I entered this community was that the connection you feel with a person when you play is far more important than the style, fashion or the technique a person uses during their scene. In a scene there is generally only one person with whom to connect, but many ways to swing a flogger, paddle or throw a single tail. I choose to prioritize the connection with an individual over other things.

Equally important, I was taught never to place oneself on the pedestal of greatness. If you place yourself there, you will eventually be knocked off by your own stupidity or others who have a habit of tearing self-professed leaders apart.

Today, the flood gates to our community have been literally thrown open and hordes of people seem to have stepped through the same door I entered 25+ years ago. A very small percentage of the new entries see our community as the last great frontier of freedom, while I believe that the vast majority of others are captivated by the style aspects of our lifestyle.

Those new entries, who embrace only style over the “Life,” are the people buying leather and discarding it like cheap bridesmaids dresses when they get home from events or gatherings. By doing so, a symbol of who we are is diminished and relegated to a pile of dirty laundry in the corner of the bedroom. These same individuals believe that our “skins” once worn, have served their purpose as simple apparel and have no further meaning.

In years past we saw a Cover or collaring ritual once or twice a year if we were lucky to be invited. Today, we see daily and weekly public coverings or collaring ceremonies by those who have only walked on the fringes of our community. Inevitably we ask ourselves “Does this person deserve this?” “Do they even know what it is all about?”  “Do they understand the responsibility that is implied by a Cover or collar?” Oftentimes, that question is answered when we see the newly covered Master sporting a faux collar of his own or the newly collared boy or slave publicly disrespecting his/her Sir or Master with impunity.

Today, we seem to have no lack of newcomers and complacent community members who demand to be called by a certain Title or Prefix. But let me share something with you. Just because a person woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and decided on a particular name or title that he wanted to be called, doesn’t mean that THAT is what I or others are going to call him. I am sure a few of you can only imagine what I will be calling this person.

Personally speaking, I do not look favorably upon self-awarded or self-imposed titles for which many people may or may not deserve. I personally believe that those titles must be earned. To bestow upon yourself a title that is only of your choosing holds about as much merit as all those titles at the end of your email. Why are they needed? Give me a damn break. It reminds me of a person who suffers from a superiority complex with questionable endowments to back it up.

In order for me to acknowledge another person according to his “title,” that person must first have my respect. I was taught that respect was something that could not be demanded. It has to be given freely and when that respect is given, it must never be abused or taken for granted by those to whom it was given. I think this is something some of our long-term community members need to remember because many seem to have forgotten this lesson.

But, what a difference a couple decades have made.

When I came into the community, we wanted to be different and unique, but today we allow peer pressure to be used as a weapon so that we feel obligated to role play or engage in a scene with somebody simply because they want us to play with them or because they want to be seen with us.

As I have for the past 25 years, I still make the decision of who I play with. Much of my criteria demands that the experience must be emotional or spiritual and have a physical exchange of power – no matter what role I have chosen to play. Honestly, if I don’t feel I can have that true power exchange with a play partner, I would rather play with myself. (And that has happened many times.)

Today, I am not sure if the majority of people in our community feel any connection to the person with whom they have decided to play. We have some Masters, Sirs and Doms leading unsuspecting slaves, subs and submissives around by their nose rings, collars or other protruding appendages just for an ego trip, and when they do actually settle down to play, they won’t do so unless they have a crowd watching. Why should one care who it watching? Isn’t it about the person you are with?

And on the other extreme, we have bottoms, slave and subs who want to latch onto a particular top because he’s regarded as being “attractive or a well known player” and if they are seen with that player they can validate your own self worth. If we attempt to play with another person for any reason other than “connection” are we not losing the core and essence of what it means to be a kinkster?

To prove my point, the next time you go to a public play space, look and observe how much disconnect exists between the people playing. In many cases it is evident that there is no physical, mental or spiritual connection whatsoever. The players are merely going through the motions of play and are not even aware of the person with whom they should be feeling a connection. Nothing makes me madder than to see a top ignoring his bottom and playing only to the audience.

My last communal tirade involves the self-policing of our community by a group I refer to as the moral minority. I believe this is one of the biggest disasters that has occurred in our community over the past couple of decades.

We used to be monitored by our mentors who understood our established and structural protocols. They held us accountable and if we screwed up, we WERE held accountable, without exception. When I say we were held accountable – we were held accountable.

Today we’ve allowed our entire community to become patrolled by self-imposed morality police who seem to have grown in number and stature. They have become the defenders of what they think is right and wrong, and few seem willing to step forward to challenge them.

These people seem to want to monitor our lifestyle to make sure we are living and playing within the parameters that THEY define for us. These people attempt to ram down our throat what THEY think is safe, whether we agree with them or not. Personally, I consider myself as a well-informed adult and I consider my lifestyle and relationships unique to me. I will damn well play how I want with a consenting partner and if others outside my scene do not agree, stay the hell out of my life and my bedroom.

We all have an unnecessary need to fit into the molds that our friends and families have created. However, by doing so, we lose much of our individuality and those things that make us unique. At best, we end up becoming a mirrored reflection of everyone around us and at worst a shadow of who we once were. Where are the depth, the passion, and human connection in that?

Wasn’t our lifestyle originally established to be on the fringes of society? Haven’t we always been and, in my opinion, do we not remain as outsiders to the mainstream culture.

For the past couple of decades, and maybe longer, we seem to have been trying to seek approval and acceptance from others who know nothing about us and who very likely disapprove of our lifestyle. I am speaking of the mainstream gay community, the swingers, the vanilla, the conservative right, the liberal left, and everyone else in between. If we try to fit in, we become a group of non-conformists who have finally conformed because we ended up being uncomfortable in our roles as outsiders. Rebels no more?

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who have something in your mouth, swallow because I am going to say something that many people should be saying more often in a public forum. FUCK anybody who thinks I should conform to their standards and FUCK anyone who thinks you should too.

I am, myself, my own individual. I play the way I choose to play. I live the life I want and I fuck anyone who agrees to share my bed. If I screw up, I am accountable for my own actions and I take full responsibility for them. Nobody is responsible for my actions except me.

I have a simple proposal. I think we should all live our lives as nonconforming, legally consenting adults.

Maybe we should all become a nonconformist’s nonconformist, thereby legally living a life that suits our needs, our wants and our desires without regard to others who think differently. Remember, this is your life and you have the right to lead it as you choose. If you make a mistake, it’s your mistake. Responsibility is the necessary consequence of free choice in a free society and we should all own it!

I know that some activists will hear what I just said and disagree. These are the same people who throw out terms like SSC and RACK and hide behind them. In my opinion, SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) both dictate conformity. Some will agree with my stand and others will condemn it. But guess what? I don’t give a shit if anyone agrees with me or not. I don’t need people to agree with me. This is my point. We all need to make our own choices and leave others to make theirs. It works both ways.

What’s safe, sane and consensual for one person may be not be safe, sane and consensual for another. When will people understand that simple message?

As members of a distinct and vital community, maybe it’s time that we forge our own acronym for our play and call it IRAK (Informed Risk Aware Kink). At least that term allows each individual to make his or her own informed decisions freely and in the context of their life, experience and choice.

Maybe it’s something that our moral minority or activists will also understand and be able to live by instead of preaching to us and going home to engage in the same proclivities that us sinners do.

It is sad that our community and lifestyle have moved so far toward the extreme of political correctness and conformity that it appears many facets of our lives may soon be driven underground. People like me who feel alienated from the existing culture of political correctness will likely move to safer and more comfortable places where we can express ourselves and be accepted for living, loving and playing differently.

I find myself thinking that such a move is the only alternative to preserving who we are. I guess, when you actually think about it, that is how the leather community started to begin with – rebels moving away from a lifestyle that no longer included them or allowed them to feel a part. Maybe this is a good thing. However, that will be a discussion for another keynote address by another speaker at another time.

One last bit of advice. Play how you and your partner have agreed and if anybody tries to interfere, tell them to fuck off.

Thank you.

I recently did an interview for the San Diego Gay & Lesbian Times. In the interview I specifically talk about my own triad, polyamorous relationship and polyamory in general. For those interested in the variety of relationship options, you might find the interview a worthwhile read.

Note: The interview mentions that I’m judging a contest in San Diego. Unfortunately, I screwed up my schedule and I will not be able to judge the contest. My sincere apologies to the San Diego contest organizers and anyone I had planned to see in San Diego that weekend.

I’ve always known sex is good for you, but it’s nice to see it backed up with studies. Check out this video report from CNN on the health benefits of sex.

When you’re putting together your exercise program, perhaps you should schedule more sex. That’s my plan.

BDSM and other forms of adventurous sexuality often have at their core a fundamental foundation of identification. We attach our sexuality to an identity or identities that works for us. Such identities might be as a dominant, submissive or any of a number of endless possibilities.

I was recently reading the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (I highly recommend it) and it made me think a lot about the identities we use in our kinky play.

Tolle believes that mankind is constricted by all kinds of self-created thought patterns. These thought patterns form the identity and self-concept each of us maintains throughout our lives. Tolle contends that these identities keep us from attaining any sort of lasting happiness because of our attachment to them. Tolle believes excessive attachment to such identities leads to unhappiness because they are ultimately fictitious creations that will inevitably deconstruct over time, leaving us wandering for answers to who we actually are.

So I thought to myself, how might this apply to certain styles of sexuality? Could our attachment to our sexual identities actually keep us from reaching the satisfaction and happiness that we’re trying to achieve by adopting those same sexual identities?

On a practical level, Tolle’s insight does shed some light on why our sexual identities sometimes get in the way of the joy and happiness we hope our sexuality will bring us. When we are too attached to our identities (such as roles), we run the risk of locking out a wide range of experiences that a more organic “living in the moment” perspective might create in our lives.

There are times when I meet someone and my instincts tell me he or she is far too wrapped up in their sexual persona. They’re so committed to a sexual identity that I’m not sure I’m interacting with the real person. Yes, I fully understand the allure and appeal of a “real” sexual persona. I consider mine quite real. But if that persona gets in the way of true connection with other people, or gets in the way of the personal growth each of us needs to foster in our lives, then is it really serving us well.

What do you identify with? Are you highly attached to your identity as a master, submissive, boy, dad, mistress or some other sexual persona so many of us adopt in our play?

The core of Tolle’s thought, in brief, is that the whole of humanity is trapped in self-created worlds of thought. An individual will experience this as their self-concept.

Within these labyrinthine stories it is impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As they are fictional and static, all self concepts are subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle cites as the main causal factor in human suffering.

The “escape” from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite – that which stands outside, before and beyond the categorizations and divisions of conceptual thought.

A key way which Tolle suggests this escape can be achieved is to focus one’s attention on the present moment. And this is where his approach resonated with me most. How often have we heard the “living in the moment” advice? It’s timeless and universal. All great philosophical approaches to living a better life advise us to be more present, to live in the moment, to focus less on the past and the future and to live now.

So, I’ve decided to attach less importance to my sexual persona(s) and try to live in the moment more. My experience with this thus far has proven fruitful. The more I live in the moment with my sexuality, the more open I’ve become to new experiences, new ways of thinking about things, and a wider range of intimacy that’s ultimately made my sex life more fulfilling.

I’d be interested to hear what others think about this approach. Your thoughts?

Sex: How to Do Everything
By Em and Lo
Published by DK Publishing (United States) and Dorling Kindersley Limited (Great Britain)

The authors of this book describe their writings on sexuality to be informative but fun, opinionated but nonjudgmental, and sexy but never sleazy. This new work lives up to their claim. It’s a visually stunning book that offers clear and concise sex advice on a range of topics and it does so while maintaining a sense of humor and lightheartedness that’s refreshing over the sometimes clinical explanations of sexual technique found in other works. Beautiful photographs by Rankin are generously merged with the text to provide both a reading and visual educational experience.

Do you want to pick up some tips on improving the basic intercourse experience? Or do you want to explore some BDSM or roleplay? This book can serve as a wonderful resource for both, and much more.

Em and Lo offer up a plethora of sound advice and technique tips amidst nicely demarcated chapters on seduction, anatomy and orgasm, manual sex, oral sex, intercourse, anal play, sex toys, fantasy and sexual health. Those of my readers who fancy themselves to be among the more hardcore of the kinky might find this book a bit too gentle and introductory in nature. However, that’s one of this book’s charms. It caters to that larger audience of readers for whom sexual exploration is not necessarily approached as an identity, but rather as something that simply enhances life and relationships.

I particularly appreciate the open-minded and nonjudgmental approach the book puts forth. All sexual paths are considered valid and good as long as everyone is looking out for the well being of others in the process.

It’s nice to see a book available to the general adult public that covers such a gamut of sexuality topics in such a friendly and nonsensationalistic manner. While the author’s clearly wrote this book for a heterosexual readership, there’s no reason other orientations can’t find plenty in this book to improve their sex lives as well.

As a member of the Board of Governors for the Leather Hall of Fame, I am pleased to reprint here the official press release listing the latest inductees. Please feel free to alert any friends, blogs, websites or publications to this press release.

The Board of Governors of the Leather Hall of Fame (LHOF) is pleased to announce the 2010 inductees: The Satyrs MC; Tony DeBlase; and Frank Olson/Don Morrison (elected as a couple). 

The Satyrs MC was founded in 1954 in Los Angeles and is the longest continuously running gay organization in America, leather or otherwise. The Satyrs was formed by leather-clad bikers interested in sex during an era when that sort of sexual expression often resulted in arrest. From the beginning, the Satyrs rode to national parks for camping and sex with men, and they still host their annual Badger Flat Run, now in its 49th year. Many clubs and organizations around the world can trace some part of their roots back to the Satyrs or the bylaws they adopted back in 1954. Member of the Satyrs stood up to the Los Angeles Police Department’s raids of the 70’s, eventually resulting in the end of those raids and entrapments. The Satyrs continue to be a very active club with as bright a future as they have a notorious past.

Frank Olson and Don Morrison were among the most important founders of the leather scene in New York City. They were famous for many parties, at that time the major leather social events, both in New York City and on Fire Island. Frank was the principal person behind the opening of the Eagle’s Nest, for many years New York’s premier leather bar. During the World’s Fair that took place in New York in 1964/5, the NYPD kept closing gay bars, including the leather bars. Frank kept finding new places as old ones were closed, leading the community like Moses through the social wilderness, until the police pressure abated. He was also a founding member of the gay bike club scene in New York. Frank and Don are still together and living in Pennsylvania.

Tony DeBlase was perhaps the most transformational figure in the history of the leather community. He developed the contest and demonstration schedule at the Chicago Hellfire Club’s Inferno, and he helped export those lessons to other, less experienced SM clubs. He was the Founding publisher of DungeonMaster magazine, the best and most extensive published source of SM technique, much of it written by DeBlase himself.  He was the publisher of Drummer magazine during its peak years from 1986-1992.  He was a co-founder of the Leather Archives & Museum where he served as an officer and developed the Leather History Time Lines. He wrote leather fiction under the name Fledermous, and was a frequent lecturer and workshop leader. In 1989 he designed the Leather Pride Flag. He won multiple awards and was a mentor to many. Tony died in July, 2000. 

The three runners up in the 2010 voting were publisher/writer/filmmaker Leonard Burtman, New York scene pioneer Bob Milne, and Mr. S. founder Alan Selby.

LHOF was formed to honor and preserve the legacy of the extraordinary men and women who have significantly impacted and shaped the history of the Leather/BDSM communities worldwide since 1950. By publicly acknowledging and honoring those individuals, it is LHOF’s mission to preserve the history of our communities, to pay respect to the leaders and trailblazers who came before us, and to establish a permanent and unbiased resource for anyone interested in leather culture to learn about the people who built its foundations and guided its evolution. The Board of Governors of the LHOF represents a diverse, pansexual cross-section of the some of the leather community’s most widely-respected and longest-standing academics and activists. LHOF has gone to great pains to insure that the internal voting process is confidential, professional and free of politics or cliquishness.  Nominations can be made by anyone in the community. The chief criterion for eligibility is that nominees have made substantial contributions to BDSM/leather dating back at least 15 years. Nominations are accepted throughout the year at www.leatherhalloffame.com. The annual deadline for nominations is October 15th. The Board of Governors carefully evaluates all nominations and selects three inductees each year. Nominations that are not selected are carried over to be considered the following year.

The initial focus is on the earliest pioneers of our community. The LHOF’s first three inductees (2009) were Tom of Finland (Touko Laaksonen), the prolific artist whose stylized homoerotic art had a profound effect on gay and leather culture; Chuck Renslow, founder of the Chicago’s legendary Gold Coast bar, International Mr. Leather, the Leather Archives & Museum, and dozens of other projects; and artist John Willie, a major figure in the development of the imagery and culture of heterosexual and lesbian BDSM in the mid twentieth century. Learn more about our first three inductees at www.leatherhalloffame.com.

The Leather Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies will be held at CLAW 9 at the Wyndham Hotel in Cleveland, OH on Sunday, April 25, 2010. We invite all leather people to join us to celebrate and honor the lives and accomplishments of these great inductees. Find out more and order your tickets now at www.clawinfo.org.

Periodically I’ll ask someone within the nontraditional (alternative) sexuality or relationship communities 5 specific questions. Here are one person’s answers.

1. If you could offer people in your community just one bit of advice based on your experience, what would it be?

Accept yourself. It sounds simple, but it’s really quite a struggle for all of us. Accepting our shadow selves, our darker impulses and integrating that often disowned part of our sexual and erotic psychology into our personality is a long and, ultimately, worthwhile journey.
 
2. Is there anything you see as particularly positive going on in your community right now?

I see a movement away from the binary paradigm of gender and sexuality. For so long we’ve seen things in terms of polarities: male/female, Dom/sub, Top/bottom, light/shadow. The emergence of transgender men and women, as well as switches in the BDSM communities, and relationships that think outside traditional monogamous paradigms, are really forcing us to abandon our long clung-to notions of either/or. This movement toward a more open inclusivity will, I think, result in a much more varied and colorful erotic playground on which to romp.
 
3. Is there anything you see as particularly negative going on in your community right now?

The same negativity I see everywhere: blame. There is a lot of blaming going on in our culture and communities, with very little emphasis on personal responsibility and community mobilization. I think this is a nationwide phenomenon, not just a problem in our communities. I am not arguing that there aren’t formidable forces working against us in the struggle for civil rights and sexual freedom, I just think we could do with a little less looking outward toward blame and little more looking inward toward accountability, cohesiveness – despite our differences – and mobilization.

4. How could your community best be improved?

It’s a tough question to answer because we have witnessed so many improvements and accomplishments. There is a great push in the gay communities toward heteronormativity – marriage, children, the ubiquitous SUV. That may be fine for some, but I hope it does not become the mandatory model. I do not wish to see Leatherfolk, drag queens, and those traditionally identified as “fringe” members of our communities disappear or be further marginalized. Without them, it is unlikely a brick would ever have been tossed at Stonewall. We need to remember this, and protect the diversity of our communities.

5. Think ahead 10 years. Where do you see your community heading?

With regard to polyamorous, and other non-monogamous, communities I see much more acceptance and visibility. Without losing the model of the traditional nuclear family, I believe we are going to experience a shift toward different ways of forming family and community, and the breadth of opportunities for people to connect in new ways will be positive. For BDSM and Leather communities I predict a less pathologized perception, and the medical and psychological validation to back this up. I see our sexuality being removed entirely from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the American Psychiatric Association and, generally, a broadening of the freedoms of erotic expression. I foresee equal civil rights, including equal legal unions, for gays and lesbians, and I sincerely hope to see an end to AIDS and HIV. We have lived with this disease for thirty years now. It is time for a vaccine and a cure. Quickly. 

David Ortmann, LCSW (www.dopsychotherapy.com/) is a San Francisco based psychotherapist, sex therapist and author. His areas of clinical focus and study are the sexuality of the BDSM and Leather communities, concepts and theories of masculinity, and the processes of human attachment and differentiation.

I’ve decided to move the content of some of my past speeches into the blog area of this site.

The original version of this speech was delivered by me as the Keynote for the Leathermen’s Discussion Group 10th Anniversary Celebration at the San Francisco LGBT Community Center on July 29, 2006. Subsequently, the version below was delivered as the Keynote for the Leather Leadership Conference 2008 at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway in San Francisco on April 11, 2008. (You can sign up to attend the 2010 conference here.)

Good evening to you all. Thank you for being here.

As you all know, the person who was supposed to be standing in front of you at this moment is Guy Baldwin. Unfortunately, Guy is unable to make the trek to San Francisco due to illness, and I hope I speak for everyone here in wishing him a speedy recovery. Because Guy and I have a past partnership history and I still consider him one of my dearest friends, I particularly extend to him my best wishes.

One of the reasons Guy was originally scheduled to speak to you today is that Guy is one of those voices in our community that demands attention. Why? Because Guy always dares to speak the truth, at least the truth as he sees it, without concern for what others might think, as long as he is true to himself. In honor of him, I plan to do the same to you today – speak the truth as I see it.

Also, considering I’ve had about 24 hours notice to deliver this speech, I hope you’ll forgive hearing a speech I’ve delivered before and any stumbles I might make. I may be reading from my notes somewhat more than I usually do when I speak.

But let’s hope I “arouse” you in some way and spark further discussion amongst our ranks. So, here goes.

I delivered a version of the speech you’re about to hear in July of 2006 as the keynote address at the 10th anniversary celebration of Leathermen’s Discussion Group here in San Francisco. That audience was comprised primarily of gay men and the speech most definitely took that into account. But I think much of its message will ring true with men and women of all persuasions and where possible I’ve attempted to update what I have to say.

For those of you that know me well, as one of my former partners would often say, I’ve been around this scene since the earth was cooling. (It was actually Guy who used that phrase and I thought it fitting to use it today.) I’ve been involved in many organizations and projects, but most important for my speech today, I am, at least I hope I am, a fairly decent observer and analyst of this leather/SM/fetish/“whatever we want to call it nowadays” scene of ours. But I guess I’ll let you be the judge of that after you hear what I have to say.

Before I begin, I don’t want anyone to be concerned that I’m going to drone on for too long. I consider brevity a virtue and practice it whenever I can. I’ll speak for about 20 minutes and then you can all move on to the networking and socializing.

Also, if anyone would like to talk with me afterwards, I’ll be around, feel free to say hi. If you’d rather chat virtually, my email is the same as my name, race at bannon.com.

So what am I going to talk about today? When I was first asked to deliver this original speech I bandied about a lot of topics, but ultimately decided on a topic I personally find fascinating, and that’s the current trends in our scene.

As some background, in March of 2004 I gave a presentation at the Los Angeles Leather Weekend titled Contemporary Trends in Leather. To prepare for that presentation I interviewed 50 men and women from all walks of the scene asking them about trends they’ve noticed. For those of you with research backgrounds, this was a very informal ethnographic study.

Then when I was asked me to deliver this original speech in 2006, I decided to talk with an additional 50 people, this time just gay men since I thought their insights might be more relevant to the group I was speaking to at that time.

So today I’d like to mention some of the trends I spoke about in 2004, those in 2006, and some more current observations, and I’ll provide my own personal perspective and commentary on those trends. And for one trend I find particularly interesting I’ll pose some theories about why I think it’s occurring.

But first, why should we care about trends in our scene? The reason we should care is that any community that doesn’t exhibit trends, that doesn’t change, is lifeless and risks extinction.

Author Anais Nin put it this way: “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”

Philosopher Henri Bergson put it another way: “To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.”

So by us acknowledging trends, by discussing them, by dissecting and debating them, we are simultaneously validating that our scene is alive and vibrant.

Some trends may be perceived as not good, while others may be considered beneficial. Some might be perceived as neither good nor bad. That is something each of you here today has to decide for yourselves. But the mere acknowledgement of these trends gives us the hope that our scene will continue to grow and mature and serve the sexual, social and identity needs it’s meant to serve.

There will always be members of a community that resist change, that will see most trends as negative. Much the way parents often decry the music or dress of their children’s generation, there are those among us who will decry any change that deviates from their own comfort zone.

But change is the norm, not the exception. And the more comfortable we become with change, the more likely we can foster the good trends and correct the bad ones.

So what are some of the trends? I don’t have time to talk about them all, but let me mention a few of the ones people brought up most often when I interviewed the original 100 folks for this speech, and then validated by many of the casual conversations I’ve had with people since that time.

The first trend I’ll point out won’t surprise anyone here, and that is the profound influence of the internet and technology. During my interviews this was by far the most mentioned trend in 2004, and again in 2006, and in more recent conversations.

Virtually everyone mentioned this trend and said that the internet is now the primary means by which kinky folks communicate. It is truly the great common denominator in our scene today.

Because of the internet, almost all of the gay men I interviewed back in 2004 and 2006 said that they frequent leather bars, in fact bars in general, much less than in the past. And for those that still did go to bars, they considered them much more of a social venue than a cruising one.

However, for this trend, at least from a gay male perspective, I have noticed an interesting shift since 2006. Many men have reported a hunger for more face-to-face time. From the chats I’ve had with others in the scene who are not gay men I’m sensing a somewhat similar hunger.

As a local example of that hunger being satisfied, the Chaps II bar recently opened here in San Francisco. At a time when many thought that sort of social and cruise scene was permanently on the decline, it has opened to seemingly universal praise, in particular because it touts itself as a leather/kink/gear bar, openly acknowledging some of the trends that require a more inclusive approach beyond just leather. Perhaps this is signaling, at least here in San Francisco, a resurgence in needing to see our fellow kinkoids in the flesh.

Of those I talked with that belonged to clubs or organizations, many said they were now focusing more on educational and social events rather than play events because the internet provides such an easy means for people to connect sexually.

Many said that the internet has exposed them to a wider range of kink and has opened their minds to more options. This actually relates directly to another trend I’ll talk about in a few moments.

Most said that the internet is their only means of getting information about kinky sex and the leather/SM/fetish scene. This surprised me since the folks I interviewed are a fairly “networked” bunch. I also have to admit this sort of scares me, especially as we gather here this weekend as leaders and organizers who are working hard to get good information into the hands of the kinky, and the soon to be kinky, with the need for some of that education to take place in real time and not just virtually.

An interesting and heartening pattern also emerged regarding this trend. Those mentioning the internet’s influence in 2004 were much more negative about it than they were in 2006 or today. The people I interviewed in 2006 and more recently seemed to accept the internet as the de facto networking medium without too much judgment about it.

The next trend probably won’t come as a surprise to many of you either and that’s the generational divide. A lot of gay men in particular mentioned this one. This does appear to be something specific to the gay men’s community from what I can tell, but perhaps others here would disagree.

Younger and older men in our scene repeatedly mentioned a disconnect with each other. Older men often referred to younger men as not respecting traditions, while younger men tended to resist at least some of those traditions. Younger men, by far, mentioned this trend more often than older men.

There was no apparent lack of interest in playing with each other across age boundaries. So perhaps this divide will resolve itself in time in various dungeons and playrooms. I’d like to think so.

I had one interesting conversation with a younger man who belonged to an SM organization and he mentioned that while the group had been founded on some of the more traditional approaches to the scene, they were feeling compelled to modify the group’s structure and protocols. Evidently younger guys were showing quite a bit of resistance to joining the group because of the more traditional approaches that, for whatever reason, they couldn’t relate to.

The next trend I’m about to mention I must admit I’m a bit nervous about considering the audience I’m speaking to today. Please take it as an observation and not a judgment. It is that pansexuality appears to be reaching an equilibrium.

Sometime around the early 1980s the pansexual movement began in earnest. Men and women of all orientations mixed in ways that was unprecedented, often in play settings as well.

I believe this phenomenon reached its peak in the late 1990s and has been waning ever since and that seems to perhaps be due, at least in part, to the opinions expressed by many of those I interviewed, especially gay men.

Gay men in particular clearly want more gay male only spaces, especially when it comes to play spaces.

Let me be clear that the men interviewed did not judge women or heterosexuals when making these comments, but they clearly were more inclined to frequent events and groups with a gay male only focus.

In the conversations I’ve had with heterosexuals, lesbians and others, this sentiment seems to exist in those quarters as well. I talked just last week with a well-known heterosexual man in our community who candidly admitted to me that he rarely plays in mixed-orientations play spaces anymore. He is without a doubt one of the least homophobic het men I’ve ever met, but as he said “women just get my dick hard.”

Among those I interviewed that I’d consider community or organization leaders – a few of you are sitting here today – there was understandably some fear that this trend might undo the good that the pansexual movement has brought about. I personally don’t think it will. And here’s why.

When it came to social situations, or community projects, events, fundraisers and the like, most everyone seemed to believe that the pansexual mixture was still a good thing at least some of the time. So again, this was not a repudiation of pansexuality, but clearly the pendulum has swung more to the middle as is so often the case with trends in general.

Another trend mentioned often was noticing greater versatility and more fluidity of roles among gay men. I didn’t hear this too much from heterosexuals and lesbians, but I’d be curious to chat with some of you here today if you have any insight into this.

There appears to be somewhat of a generational gap around this issue. Younger guys, let’s say 35 and under, mentioned this much more often than older guys.

This was a trend I hoped I could quantity in some way. Years ago I recall a researcher who surveyed about 300 men and women who clearly identified being part of the BDSM scene, asking them, on a scale of totally top to totally bottom, where did they see themselves. The result was a relatively smooth bell curve showing a normal, gradual distribution with a peak at 50/50.

About 12 years ago I did a similar exercise with a group of leathermen and found similar results with the distribution again being approximately a bell curve.

In 2006, when I gave the previous version of this speech, I did another casual study of roles based on how San Francisco men who belonged to the worldleathermen.com web site indicated their role identities. This is admittedly a skewed population, but it was one that was readily available. At that time I found an interesting shift.

For those here who are not members of worldleathermen, members can self identify as 100% active, 90% active, and so forth to 100% passive. This means that more nuanced top/bottom/versatile identifications were possible and therefore easier to quantify and plot on a chart.

Of the 900+ men in the sample, 291 said they leaned top, 355 said they leaned bottom, but an amazing 283 identified as being 50/50, equally top and bottom. This changed the relatively smooth bell curve of the data to one with a huge spike at the 50/50 mark.

Now, since I was asked to step into this keynote role yesterday, I figured I’d spend some time on worldleathermen.com last night seeing what the numbers might be today. (And I want no jokes from guys in the audience about how much I’m on worldleathermen anyway.)

So, of the 1,200+ men in the sample, 372 say they lean top, 456 say they lean bottom, but a truly unexpected 426 identify as being 50/50, equally top and bottom. This changes the relatively smooth bell curve of the past data to one with an even greater spike at the 50/50 mark, showing, at least using this same sample population, an even greater move towards versatility since I crunched the numbers back in 2006.

So maybe there is something to an increasing identification of gay men as versatile.

My instincts tell me there might, again, be somewhat of a generational divide regarding this issue. Someday I might do a similar exercise and use age as a data point as well. And I’d be curious if anyone here not gay male identified does anything similar on another site. Please send me your results.

Interestingly, the final trend I’ll mention wasn’t mentioned at all during my interviews in 2004, but was the second most mentioned trend during my 2006 interviews. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I only interviewed gay men in 2006, but I also interviewed a lot of gay men in 2004, so clearly there’s something more to the reason behind this trend. Recent casual discussions with folks in the scene seem to back up this trend.

And that trend is that gay men are getting kinkier. And I’m guessing that men and women of all orientations have noticed this trend too, but I defer to you to explore this further.

Many men mentioned that they’ve noticed a rise in the variety of scenes men are into. And on an anecdotal level, if you look at the sexual interests people list in their online profiles these days, it does appear that this trend is indeed true.

So, assuming this is true, why is this happening? I have a theory.

In the 1980s and 1990s, Giacomo Rizzolatti, a neuroscientist and professor of human physiology, and two other scientists were doing research on the brain activity of monkeys as the monkeys performed various tasks (such as reaching for a banana). The researchers observed certain neurons in the brain firing. Then they noticed something unexpected. The same neurons fired when the monkey “only watched” someone perform the same task (such as reaching for a banana). Rizzolatti named these neurons “mirror neurons”. Subsequent research has observed these mirror neurons in primates, some birds and humans. Therefore, it seems logical that mirror neurons allow humans simply observing someone doing something to truly experience at least some semblance of what that person is experiencing.

So consider the first trend I mentioned, the influence of the internet and technology, and how it might tie into this. We “see” other people’s kinks via profiles and porn, and often in real time via chat and web cams, and, assuming the mirror neuron theory is correct, we actually experience the feelings and sensations in much the same way we would if we were actually do it. This brings about an energized interest in those kinks in ways more difficult to elicit before this technological age of ours came about.

Another factor that might be contributing to this trend is what I call “piercing the veil of fear.”

Frances Moore Lappé, author of the famous book Diet for a Small Planet, and Jeffrey Perkins point out in their book You Have the Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear that people’s natural tendency is towards happiness and the embracing of their uniqueness. But society, on many fronts, works hard to make people conform rather than embrace their uniqueness. Lappé and Perkins point out that the old way of thinking is: “If I’m really myself, I’ll be excluded. If I break connection, I’ll be alone forever.”

The leather/SM/fetish scene has its own constructs, rules and paradigms that often serve to suppress people from really being themselves. The subtle message is – if your sexuality doesn’t look this way, you’re doing it wrong and you can’t be part of our group.

The new way of thinking Lappé and Perkins observe more people are embracing is: “To find genuine connection, we must risk disconnection. The new light we shine draws others toward us, and we become conscious choosers.”

The kinky folks of today are, more and more, deciding to become conscious choosers. They are defining their own sexuality in ways that work for them rather than allowing the larger scene to define it for them. Because they have access to the intimate sexual interests of thousands of fellow erotic explorers at the click of a mouse, their fears are alleviated. They realize they’re not alone in their desires for certain kinks and feel far more comfortable investigating and being open about them.

Personally, I think this is one of the healthiest trends in the scene today. And considering the theme of this year’s conference is arouse, what could be more arousing than more erotic choices.

There were some other trends mentioned less often, but I think you get the idea that there are indeed trends.

So, what are we to do with all of this information? Well, here’s what I think.

First and foremost, we must embrace trends, and therefore change, as a good and necessary part of the growth of our scene in order to keep it vibrant and alive.

We must look to trends and change as indicators of what the scene as a whole desires and needs; not try to conform the scene to what might be outdated rules and paradigms.

We must acknowledge that change will continue and will do so at an increasingly accelerated rate.

Two of the program track themes at the conference this year are “evolve” and “transform.” That sounds a lot like change to me. We should all keep our need to embrace change in mind as we learn and grow together this weekend.

We must stop judging the various segments of our scene – younger vs. older, Old Guard vs. New Guard, leather vs. non-leather, and newcomer vs. experienced. Another theme at this year’s event is “involve.” How can we involve all of the various and disparate types of kinky people unless we collectively, as leaders and organizers others look to for guidance, suspend our judgments and agree that we must all co-exist if we are to thrive.

We must accept that the monolithic “leather” scene will likely continue to be replaced with a network of smaller sub-scenes and we will need to work hard to keep those smaller sub-scenes united and networked for the common good, where it seems appropriate.

We must accept that the once all-inclusive “leather” descriptor, and even the more inclusive “leather/SM/fetish” descriptor may no longer suffice to truly describe the emergence of kinks and identifications that will continue to blossom over time. As another conference theme notes, we must “embrace” all of the growing and emerging identifications that keep this scene vibrant.

We must explore virtual communities blending with real-time communities in order to maintain a social connection with each other. As leaders in our scene, this task may fall squarely upon us. It is the men and women in this room that will transform the scene into what the troops are clamoring for and to re-ignite interest in face-to-face socializing, networking and, in some cases, play.

And, finally, and most importantly, while it is valuable to note and discuss these trends, none of us should look to these or any other trends as models for our own sexuality. Ultimately our sexuality is just that, “our” sexuality, and we must each pursue it in ways that work for us. And encourage others to do the same.

While he was referring to the movie business when he said it, a quote by the famous director Frank Capra is sage advice for us all. He said: “My advice … is this: Don’t follow trends, Start them!”

For those of you out there listening to this, my advice to you is the same for our scene. Don’t follow trends. Start them. By your very presence here you are indicating you are willing to take up this challenge. Help our scene evolve. Get others involved in your passions. Embrace the diversity that makes us strong. Transform the mundane into the exciting. Use your influence to make things better while others might choose to stand on the sidelines. Ignite an interest in the larger population about who and what we are.

Do all of this, and the ultimate goal of arousal, individually and collectively, will be achieved. Because if we, the leaders, thinkers, organizers and mentors can’t be aroused and foster that arousal in others, then what is the point.

This, tonight, is the beginning of what can be a valuable milestone for us and our kinky brethren. Meet, discuss, brainstorm, share, laugh, and get turned on… let’s spark the arousal that is the reason we all got into this scene in the first place.

And most of all, give our scene hope for the future. Hope is powerful. Regardless of your spiritual leanings, the words of the famous liberal clergyman William Sloan Coffin pertains to us all, and our reason for being here. He said, “Hope arouses, as nothing else can arouse, a passion for the possible.”

Thank you for your time.

DATA

Here is a graphical representation of the data used in the 2006 speech (929 men in the sample) and 2008 speech (1,224 men in the sample) collected by examining the profiles of all of the San Francisco men that belonged to the worldleathermen.com web site on July 25, 2006 and April 10, 2008, respectively.

2006 and 2008 Gay Men's Role Data

A degree in BDSM? Certified kinky practitioners? Folks looking for continuing education credits to prove that they’re up-to-date on the latest sexual techniques and information? No, I’m not aware of such programs in place today, but I fear some might actually think it’s a good idea. I do not.

Lately, a few people in the BDSM scene have started to put forth the notion of certifying people as BDSM practitioners. The intention is a good one. It makes sense to have people adequately skilled in certain types of erotic play that if done improperly could be dangerous. Knowing someone has the necessary skill to do what might otherwise be potentially risky erotic play brings peace of mind to those who play with them. Training and education focused on such potentially risky sexual endeavors is a good idea.

Some want to take this process a step further by codifying some sort of curriculum that would “certify” someone’s capabilities as a BDSM practitioner. Here’s why I think this is a really bad idea.

The bulk of what makes someone good at sex (BDSM or any other erotic interaction) goes far beyond what can be taught or learned in the traditional sense. Good sex is about the character of the individuals involved. It’s about the level of attraction. It’s about their erotic moods and circumstances. It’s about their sensitivity to the erotic needs of their partner. It’s about how empathic and attuned a partner is to the other. Yes, in some cases it’s about skill and technique. But the other factors I’ve mentioned generally trump skills and techniques in most cases. Ultimately, good sex (including BDSM) is about connection. And you don’t need to be credentialed or certified to connect erotically with another human being.

Classes, workshops and discussion groups are great places to share experiences, insights and tips, but most of what we do in sex is (hopefully) an individual path we’ve paved for ourselves; not some pre-determined worn path dictated by others.

Please don’t get me wrong. When people like Tony DeBlase, a hero of mine, introduced  instruction in BDSM skills to anyone who exerted some effort to find the information, I was elated. Knowledge and skills had primarily been passed down within loosely entwined, clandestine networks prior to that time. And not always well. Tony (and perhaps others who I can’t think of at the moment) did everyone who practices BDSM a great service and the scene has been better off ever since.

But the only thing that can really be taught in BDSM is actual physical techniques. How to tie someone up or flog a back safely can be taught, but how to elevate those same activities to good sex can’t. That’s why I’ve encountered folks who were brilliant as newcomer BDSM players. At the same time I’ve encountered others who have been in the scene for a while and taken classes and workshops and can practice BDSM safely, but not necessarily with passion, with connection, and with the clear intention of mutual pleasure.

And what are the dangers when a community looks to a BDSM credential and assumes it means safety and assumes it means competence. Bad players will inevitably get through such a system and graduate to perceived competence. People they play with might let down their guard and avoid some of the usual precautions in light of the certification. I believe each sexual encounter needs to be negotiated in its entirety and that no form of official certification should be part of it. I’m sure some will disagree, but I don’t believe good sex can be certified to be good.

Classes and workshops can produce safer BDSM encounters. Of that I’m convinced. But I fear there is a slippery slope of certifying any form of sex, even the technical aspects, because certification inevitably leads to a perceived sense of overall competence and that could prove harmful. Pretty soon BDSM players will start printing business cards with their certifications listed. Is that really where we want our sex lives to go?

Apart from the profound limitations of any instructional mechanisms to actually create good sex, there is also the true danger of the inordinate enculturation of the kinky community into a particular point of view, personal tradition or approach that the creators of any credentialing system may impose, consciously or unconsciously.

Do we really want our individual sex and erotic play to be so strongly influenced by appointed arbiters of BDSM competence? I most certainly do not.

I was recently having a chat with a few friends at my local coffee shop in the Castro District of San Francisco. A common thread of conversation is how much the Castro has changed from an almost entirely gay area to one that is certainly still mostly gay, but is clearly seeing an influx of men and women of all orientations. (The large numbers of male/female couples pushing baby carriages down the sidewalk being one demonstration of the changes.)

Almost simultaneously, the same day, I was discussing the changes taking place in the landscape of gay kink (leather/SM/fetish). I constantly hear disgruntled men talk about the disappearance of leather bars, the lack of men wearing their leather and gear in public, the fact that large play parties seem to be on the decline, the decline of the more traditional forms of leather/kink, and other signs of a quickly changing gay male leather/kink scene.

Since I had these conversations so close together, it make me think of their similarities and that, perhaps, the causes were similar.

Both the general gay men’s scene and the leather/kink scene have changed a lot in recent years. While the vanilla gay scene has certainly become more widely accepted than the leather/kink scene, there are clear signs of greater acceptance across the board. Interactions among members of both scenes has been forever altered by the internet and the abundant online modes of connecting with others. Where there were once only a few venues in which to commune with like-minded men, now there are many. Bars and a few clubs have been enhanced (and sometimes replaced) with countless events, organizations, specialized niche clubs and groups, publications, parties, fundraisers, contests and other ways in which men can gather with each other rather easily. Younger men in both scenes now live in a world of relatively easy entrance into the folds. They see no wisdom in struggling to enter into their community of choice and don’t understand why some of the older among them shake their heads in disapproval (perhaps more out of envy than true disapproval).

I know many men bemoan the changes, but I don’t think the pace of change will slow down. If anything, it will speed up. The mainstreaming of kink (for lack of a better way of putting it) has begun and it’s not likely to abate.

This gives the kinky among us but two options, adapt or retreat. I vote for adaptation because I believe adaptation is not only a pragmatic solution, it’s a better solution. Change is a sign something is alive and vibrant. Lack of change is a sign something has plateaued and stagnated. Which would you rather embrace?

I hope you’ll join me in embracing the new landscape of kink. I plan to go with the flow while growing and adapting along the way. Does this sometimes challenge me? Sure! But the option of retreating from the scene into my cocoon of familiarity and tradition just doesn’t seem all that appealing.