Today I was scanning my usual morning news sites when I stumbled on this Pecs, Personality, and Pre-Internet Bonding: The Story of International Mr. Leather article on The Huffington Post site. All of a sudden I had an odd reaction. For the first time ever, I seriously wondered to myself if perhaps the leather/kink scene has gone too mainstream. The cat is definitely out of the bag.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not sure that it has gone too mainstream. I’m not even sure if I feel that if it is the case that it’s a bad thing. All I do know is I’ve never felt quite this strongly that the inner workings of our scene are being exposed so much to the general public.

The story about International Mr. Leather was simply the tipping point event to bring me to this sense of concern. Recently other indicators have driven home the realization that BDSM, leather and kink have gone mainstream.

The recent phenomenal success of the book Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy by E.L. James is another example. The author of this BDSM erotica romance novel has sold millions of copies and the film rights recently sold for $5 million, all within a very short amount of time. The author was profiled in Time magazine and she’s being regularly interviewed on the various talk and news shows.

I was recently watching the cartoon show Family Guy and saw the characters Lois and Peter dressed in BDSM garb with Lois telling Peter that his “safe word is banana” as she pushes him on the bed for the beginning of what appears to be a way they frequently make love.

When one of the world’s most visited news sites features an article about a gay men’s leather contest, and a BDSM novel reaches the top of the New York Times and Amazon bestseller lists, and the concept of a safe word is so ubiquitous that even cartoon shows are using the term, I think it’s fairly evident that BDSM, leather, and related kink, have gone mainstream.

So, is this a good thing? I’m not sure there’s any going back at this point, but I think it’s important that those of us who belong to one or more of the many BDSM and kinky networks decide how we feel about the mainstreaming of our sexuality. Should we keep encouraging this trend? Or should we try to put the brakes on it (which is likely futile)?

Already I’m seeing some things within the scene that lead me to believe at least some of us are trying to hang on to our rogue, maverick and rebel status. Some are starting to avoid the big play events and are instead deciding to play in smaller, private settings. Some seem to be pulling back from the increased blending of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals and beginning to play and socialize in the segregated, smaller subsets of the scene as was typically the case not so many years ago. Some seem to intentionally avoid the leather/kink club and organization structures and are deciding to function as rebel soloists instead. Some are bucking tradition and forging new offshoots of the leather scene to create new kinky networks that empower them with a sense of underground uniqueness that fuels their erotic passions.

I, along with many others, must take responsibility for this mainstreaming. Those of us who have encouraged others to come out of the kinky closet, or written books, or held conferences in large hotels, or done any of the many other public events we produce, must acknowledge that we have brought this mainstreaming upon ourselves.

But now that such mainstreaming is taking hold so firmly, what are your thoughts about it? Is this a good thing? How should the kinky among us react to it, if at all? Please add a comment and give us your thoughts?

Today I stumbled upon a great blog post by Steve Pavlina titled Why Are You Hiding? It immediately resonated with me. One of my own personal development objectives is to be the authentic me as much as possible in everything that I do. Do I always succeed? No. But clearly Steve Pavlina has a similar perspective and I think you’ll find his post, and his entire blog, quite interesting.

Reading the post made me wonder how others in the alternative sexuality and relationship networks feel about being entirely out. By no means am I a Pollyanna about this subject. I know there can be some legitimate reasons why people stay closeted about their nontraditional sexuality or relationships. But even when there might be legitimate reasons, I contend there are still consequences to remaining closeted. It’s a constant balance between the freedom and liberation being out brings with it and the potential consequences and repercussions such openness might engender.

In a now famous speech, Guy Baldwin suggested that members of the leather/kink community who are known by scene names (names other than their daily real names) may not be as well positioned to represent the leather/BDSM/kink/fetish among us as might those who use their real names. I’m still wrestling with how I feel about that, but I do think the topic is worth discussing. If a titleholder isn’t using their real name, can they properly represent their title? If a member of a leather/BDSM/kink club or organization works with their local or state officials on issues of concern to the kinky among us, can they do that effectively if they are essentially closeted in some way?

I don’t pretend to know the answers for sure. While it’s easy for me to say that being entirely out is always the best option, I know others will give me good reasons not to be. But if we liken the furthering of rights and acceptance for kinky people or those who choose nontraditional relationship configurations to the early gay and lesbian rights movement, it was those who chose to “come out” and be identified who ended up making the most difference. It was a brave stance, but coming out ended up being generally acknowledged in the LGBT community as being the most effective way to further the rights and acceptance they deserve.

What are your thoughts? Should the kinky among us be more out? Can closeted kinksters and polyamorists adequately serve the needs of those communities? I’d love to hear what you have to say about this. I think it’s a discussion worth having.

While Mark Morford’s latest column in the San Francisco Chronicle titled Calling all kinkster hippie sluts isn’t specifically about the types of alternative sexuality and relationships discussed on this blog, he makes so many references to them that I think it’s worth reading. Besides, Mark is my favorite columnist and has been for quite some time and this column continues his longstanding tradition of intellectual brilliance coupled with humor and deep insight, all delivered with marvelous writing. Enjoy. (And he uses one of my favorite words, kinksters, a lot. I’ve noticed a lot more people are using it these days too.)

My friend, Mike Gerle (International Mr. Leather 2007), and I have authored an article on Leatherati, The Leather “Bar” Takes a Virtual Turn. Check it out.

With the diminishing number of leather bars available to the gay men’s kink/leather scene, it’s important for us to figure out unique and creative ways to foster more regular face-to-face socializing opportunities for kinky gay men. Mike and I feel that we have come up with one solution.

If you have any other ideas on how we can encourage more in-person (versus online) interactions among kinky gay men (as well as men and women of all orientations), please comment on this post and share your ideas. The more we socialize and play with each other in real time, the stronger our overall kink/leather network will be.

This week a review by Guy Baldwin about a highly controversial book on leather protocol posted to Leatherati. If you consider yourself part of the BDSM/leather/fetish/kink world in any way, I recommend you read it. I consider it one of the more important works of writing done in the scene in a long time, in large part because I think it’s spawning a scene-wide discussion that is long overdue.

I think most experienced kinksters with a BDSM/leather bent know that much of the touting of Old Guard protocols, history and so on is complete fiction. Perhaps that’s a natural tendency of people to romanticize their subculture’s past. Regardless, it’s fiction nonetheless and when it’s presented as fact it does damage. Personally, I try hard to never use the word Old Guard unless there is no other option. I consider it misleading and so mired in mythology that it makes it essentially a useless reference most of the time.

Guy has, along with some others who have raised questions about this book, mitigated much of the damage and perhaps this moment in time will be a tipping point where the entire scene starts getting real about our history and the silliness of holding everyone to other people’s protocols and ways of being kinky. Sexual rebels and mavericks don’t do well with rigidity and, in fact, thrive best without it.

Let’s use this moment to begin to stop referencing the Old Guard in the same way many fundamentalist religions reference their beliefs as the unwavering truth. Adherence to Old Guard as a standard is no different than someone blinded by religious ideologies and dogma based on mythology as opposed to fact.

I am a kinky man. Sometimes I’m a leatherman. Sometimes I might call myself something else. But I resist being called Old Guard or any other categorization that limits me more than empowers and frees me. Let’s all try to assess our fellow kinksters on their own merits and let’s resist the tendency we often have to categorize and compartmentalize. It typically hurts us more than helps us.

Please foster discussions about this within your own kinky local clubs, organizations and circles. This needs to be discussed. Let’s grab this moment and let it help us set right what I and many feel has been the usurping of the BDSM/leather scene by a relatively few folks that continue to spew misinformation and falsehoods regarding history. Let’s also simultaneously begin to once again adopt a more rebel and maverick mentality within our ranks. This means we need to embrace the individually unique manifestation of everyone’s kink. Just because someone’s kink looks different than ours doesn’t make it wrong. In fact, it probably makes it more correct, at least for that person.

Thank you to Guy Baldwin for creating the foundation upon which these discussions can now more openly take place. The time has come for this to happen.

I have been promising to post a review for The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer for the 21st Century for a few weeks since I finished reading it. So here’s the abbreviated version of the review:

Everyone should read this book. I mean everyone.

OK, with that said, read on if you want more details.

Let me say up front that Dr. Gloria Brame is a friend of mine and someone I have longed admired for her sound mind and wonderful writing. She is one of the most refreshing and qualified voices in the world of sexuality today and reading anything by her is a joyful experience. Her latest book, the first in what she anticipates will be a trilogy, is no different.

The Truth About Sex ostensibly focuses on the topic of masturbation, but in the course of discussing that topic Brame covers a wide swath of ground regarding human sexuality. Brame unabashedly embraces masturbation as not only a natural and welcome addition to anyone’s sexuality, but encourages it as a means to mental and physical health which she backs up with many research studies without making the book at any time seem overly academic. It’s written in a very friendly and accessible style.

Along the way as she discusses masturbation, Brame also discusses society’s often misguided condemnation of masturbation, the intricacies and benefits of the orgasm, the hows and whys of masturbation, what is sex and the language we use regarding sexuality, various challenges people have around their sexuality, and much more.

Scattered throughout are real-life case studies from Brame’s own practice that clearly illustrate the topic being discussed. We are given some wonderful insight into the world of sexologists and others who counsel people regarding sexuality issues.

If there is a single, underlying message I got from this fantastic book it’s that “masturbation and sex is good” and anyone who tells you different is just plain wrong. That’s certainly a message I can get behind and support.

If I have anything constructive to say regarding the book, it’s that I wish Brame didn’t use the term “unsafe sex” so generically. I have worked since the 80s in various ways within HIV/STD prevention and sexual health and I find the use of the term often misleading. Much the way many in the BDSM world now prefer the term Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) as opposed to Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC), many in the sexual health realm prefer to use more exact terminology such as “safer sex” or “risk-aware, informed sex.” This might sound nit picky, and perhaps it is, but it’s something I feel passionate about. But this is no reason not to read this book. I’m already re-reading it for the second time now myself.

Do yourself a favor and buy and read this book. If you have anything to do with teaching or counseling about sexuality, buy and read this book. If you know professors teaching human sexuality classes, suggest this as required reading. If you know of anyone struggling with negative feelings about their own sexuality, buy and give them this book. You and they won’t be disappointed.

Most people know about Dan Savage. He’s a sex advice columnist that also regularly appears on television. He also shot to even greater fame when he defined the word santorum, much to a certain politician’s dismay.

In Savage’s January 18, 2012 Out Now column, he adeptly answers a question from a reader about BDSM and the use of a certain safe word, but he also, with surprisingly good insight, points out the tendency of many BDSM practitioners to tell others they are “doing it wrong” when in fact they’re not doing it wrong at all. I consider this one of the big issues in the BDSM scene and I found it heartening when Savage committed it to print.

Check out Savage’s column and let me know what you think.

Here is the speech I delivered at the Leathermen’s Discussion Group 15th Anniversary celebration event held Saturday, December 17, 2011.

Good afternoon. Welcome to what I personally consider to be an event that marks an extremely important milestone in our local kink and leather scene. I think it’s safe to say that LDG has established itself as one of the more important education and social resources within our community here in San Francisco. I’d like to add my thanks and congratulations to everyone who has been involved in making LDG the successful and highly valued institution that it’s become.

I must admit I found it somewhat amusing when I was told that the history of LDG began in 1996 when Salem Bucholz organized a few guys to get together to discuss kinky topics and that erotic Greek vases was among the first of those topics. Yes, LDG was born, in part, from a discussion about erotic Greek vases. I think that’s sorta cool, and it’s illustrative of the fact that you never quite know where something you start is going to go. So if you have an idea for something that might benefit the kinky community, take inspiration from LDG and go for it. Salem, along with Alan Selby, who led the first LDG discussion meeting by the way, Don Thompson and perhaps others whom I’m neglecting to mention, started something incredibly special that we are here today to celebrate.

I was told that the original vision Salem had was to get guys together to talk about something within the kink spectrum while also fostering camaraderie outside of the bars. In that sense, perhaps he was prescient in seeing what we now so clearly know – that we must foster socializing opportunities outside of the bars that had formerly served as one of our primary central meeting places. LDG serves as one of those great socializing opportunities that also educates and informs us at the same time.

Rather quickly the casually organized group morphed into a discussion group tackling a broad range of topics that spanned the entire realm of leather and kink. Education had become its focus and by around 1997-1998 it was well established that education would remain its primary focus as it is today.

LDG has since had a wonderful history of people who have taken it upon themselves to continue as the driving forces behind LDG. I could begin to name names, but I fear I will miss someone and there are a lot of important people who have contributed to LDG along the way. Some in big ways, some in small ways, but valued contributions all. I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say thanks to all of you, every single person, for helping to continue this tradition of discussion, learning and community that LDG has become.

The true impact that LDG has had upon the community isn’t necessarily best represented by how long it’s been around or how many discussions or presentations it’s hosted, but rather the impact it’s had on the people who attend LDG events. And LDG has impacted many lives in profoundly positive ways. I asked some people if they would share with me how LDG has benefited them and they generously did so. Out of respect for their privacy I’m not going to name names, but they represent a diverse cross-section of the people I’ve seen attending LDG events over the years.

One of the most moving comments came from someone who said “I guess for me, LDG is giving me sort of what feels like a “last hope” in making my dream of being a leather boy come true.”

Think about that statement for a moment. My “last hope.” I saw this person at a recent LDG event and I could see how engaged they were with the presentation, and LDG may be responsible for this person staying within our fold when he might otherwise have left in frustration. How amazing is that?

Another person told me that “LDG has been, for me, a symbol of what I think community organizing should be at its best. Over the past couple of years I have witnessed their dedication to camaraderie, members building relationships that bring amazing opportunities for the group and the larger community, a deep respect for history but not at the expense of including new ways of thinking, and an understanding of the power of marketing. This is in sharp contrast to what many other groups suffer from – in-fighting, officers that are over-committed, and disrespectful communication.” And they added “Thank you to LDG for setting the bar high and giving the rest of us something to aspire to.”

I think that clearly pays homage not only to the founders and subsequent stewards of LDG through the years, but also to the current folks managing LDG who are doing such a great job. You do give us something to aspire to.

Someone else gave me a bit of background on himself and I think that his background clearly illustrates why LDG’s inclusiveness of newbies and the curious is so important, and then he mentions why LDG is so important to him. His story is worth hearing.

“When I came to San Francisco in my mid-twenties I’d been playing in leather and kink for a few years. When I turned 21, I hit every old-school guy’s bar and leather bar available. I didn’t own, and couldn’t afford, any leather but I’d heard that tight 501s, white tee-shirts, and boots were acceptable gear for boys. That’s all I had, so for many years, that’s what I wore. Eventually, I saved to buy my first belt, which ended up being used on me a lot.” Then he joked that he wished it hadn’t taken him so long to buy that damn belt!

“Moving to San Francisco was a dream. I was a kinky hippie. Where else should I be? I hit the ground running, horny, hot, and ready to find men who would work me over. I guess I started really playing here in 1995 by swallowing the nervous lump in my throat and finally taking out ads in the Bay Area Reporter. The more I played, the more I wanted to play but, again, it was without community or guidance or fellowship. At that age, whether I knew it consciously or not, I was hungry for community.”

“I really don’t remember where I first heard of LDG, but I think it actually was an ad in the Bay Area Reporter. This was probably around 1996 or 1997. I remember going to a lot of LDG meetings. I felt like such a newbie and I was, a newbie in the community I’d been hoping I’d find eventually. I made so many friends at LDG meetings and after many meetings we’d hit SOMA Leather bars for a drink and cruise guys.”

He mentions that due to scheduling conflicts he as away from LDG for a couple of years. His schedule freed up and he said: “LDG was the family, the group, the organization I came right back to. LDG will always be my home base, no matter where I go or whatever organizations and clubs I may feel a part of or support. LDG is home… it has been since I moved here.”

Home. To call something your home is a powerful and telling statement. What is a home? It is a place where you “live,” and I contend that LDG offers the kinky folks of San Francisco just that – a place where they can truly live and be who they are in a safe, caring and nonjudgmental atmosphere. The value of that cannot be emphasized enough.

Lastly, in addition to asking people who attended LDG events for their thoughts, I also asked some of the key people who were involved as LDG organizers for their thoughts. One stood out in particular from someone with heavy involvement in the early years of LDG.

“Through all the blood, sweat, and occasional conflict that it took to keep LDG surviving through its 15 years, and despite our different perspectives and experiences, it is undeniable that all the people who have committed so much time and energy over our history have shared a common vision. That common vision was that the San Francisco Bay Area leather scene would be stronger and more cohesive through what we created and have maintained – an organization that could foster community, teaching, learning, hands-on, and sometimes hands-in, kinky experiences for both newcomers and experienced players. And we all shared the realization that unless each and every one of us stepped up and got the job done week after week, we would feel like we had let our community down. For all of us, that was simply unacceptable, and it remains unacceptable to those who are carrying the torch now. We should all refuse to accept that a leather capital like San Francisco can ever lose an asset like LDG – luckily, it seems we don’t have anything to worry about.”

Let me add to this person’s commentary and say that based on my observations of LDG lately, that person is correct that we don’t have anything to worry about. The recent history of LDG suggests that it’s serving the needs of San Francisco’s leather and kink community admirably and the popularity of recent events suggests they are reaching out and engaging some folks who perhaps haven’t always felt part of our community.

There is an old Kenyan proverb that states “Having a good discussion is like having riches.” LDG is one of those elements of riches that we in the San Francisco Bay Area get to enjoy over and over because of great people who give a damn that the rest of us have the fulfilling and enjoyable kinky lives we want and often need.

To everyone in this room who had or has anything to do with organizing LDG, I thank you on behalf of the countless folks you’ve helped over the years. To those who are no longer with us, but have done the same, you are in my thoughts and you have our collective thanks. And to those here today, and those not here today, who attend LDG events, it is you who make the discussions and presentations come alive. Keep coming to LDG events. It feeds the kinky soul.

Congratulations to LDG on 15 wonderful years. As for the future of LDG, I hope I’m at their 20th, 25th and 30th anniversary events because I think it is more important than ever to maintain things like LDG’s education and discussion events. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace the power that face-to-face discussion and communal learning has to empower and bond people.

Thank you for your time.

LGBT rights and sexuality and relationship rights are inextricably intertwined. In this brilliant speech by Hillary Clinton delivered on December 6, 2012 in Geneva in recognition of International Human Rights Day, Clinton signaled a new day in American foreign policy when it comes to LGBT rights. As a gay man myself, Clinton’s speech literally brought me to tears. LGBT people everywhere should laud Hillary Clinton, and President Obama since this speech reflects his administration’s policy, for their brave international stance.

I am posting this on behalf of the Leather Hall of Fame Board of Governors of which I am honored to be a member. Congratulations to the three 2012 inductees.

The Board of Governors of the Leather Hall of Fame (LHOF) is pleased to announce the 2012 inductees: Guy Baldwin, Sam Steward and Irving Klaw.

Guy Baldwin is a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, author, activist and educator specializing in issues of particular relevance to the BDSM and leather communities, and more generally in issues relating to non-hetero-normative practices. He won International Mr. Leather in 1989. He is co-founder of an internet-based professional referral resource, the KAP list, now administered by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. He continues to teach at various lifestyle events across the U.S. and Canada.

Sam Steward (1909–1993) was an academic, novelist, historian and tattoo artist born in July of 1909. Steward maintained a card index he called his “Stud File” which documented a detailed account of his sexual experiences in vivid and often very funny detail. In the 1940’s and 50’s, he worked extensively with famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey as an unofficial collaborator. As tattoo artist Phil Sparrow he mentored both Cliff Raven and Don Ed Hardy. He wrote several books of BDSM fiction under the name Phil Andros.

Irving Klaw (1911-1966) was one of the principal publishers of heterosexual BDSM erotica from the late 1940s to 1964. Klaw produced photographs, cartoons, films, and digest-sized booklets with bondage, fetish, and female domination themes. He drew from the expertise of members of the early heterosexual kink subculture to create materials that he sold, primarily through mail-order, and also purchased work from a variety of talented artists such as John Coutts, Gene Bilbrew and Eric Stanton. He was subject to periodic harassment from law enforcement agencies and congressional inquiries dating from 1950, and in 1964 was convicted on 65 obscenity counts which, although the conviction was later reversed on appeal in 1965, led Klaw to cease publication of kink materials. The family business that he founded continues today (moviestarnews.com).

LHOF was formed to honor and preserve the legacy of the extraordinary men and women who have significantly impacted and shaped the history of the Leather/BDSM communities worldwide since 1950. Nominations can be made by anyone in the community, and the three inductees are selected by LHOF Board of Governors. The previous inductees are Tom of Finland, Chuck Renslow, John Coutts, Tony DeBlase, The Satyrs MC, Frank Olson/Don Morrison, The Eulenspiegel Society, Leonard Burtman and Bob Milne. Learn more about all the inductees at the Leather Archives & Museum or at www.leatherhalloffame.com.

The Leather Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies and Brunch will be held at CLAW 11 at the Carnegie Ballroom at the Hilton Garden Inn in Cleveland, OH on Sunday, April 29 2012 at 12 pm. We invite all leather people to join us to celebrate and honor the lives and accomplishments of these great inductees. Find out more and order your tickets now at www.clawinfo.org.