Reinvigorating the Men’s Kink Community
Here in San Francisco there is an interesting phenomenon happening. The leather/kink community, at least the gay men’s portion of that community, is experiencing an unprecedented revitalization. I haven’t seen this much energy and excitement in a long time. I’m loving it.
Gay men in San Francisco who dwell in the kink/gear/leather realms were seeing changes occurring that they weren’t happy with. Bars have closed and appear to be deprecating in importance. Play party events were stagnating with a lack of creativity or new men. Clubs were seeing their numbers dwindle. There seemed to be a desire to create an offline men’s experience to counter the sense that the online experience is dominating. These and other trends concerned many of the men here.
True to our city’s form, when we see problems we more often than not tackle them head on. The gay men’s leather community is no different. Recently, San Francisco’s Leathermen’s Discussion Group held a town hall style meeting titled Is Leather Dead? that drew 300 people willing to spend a Wednesday night discussing the future of the gay men’s leather/kink scene in San Francisco. It was followed the next week by a Is the Men’s Community Dead? discussion event. In part from those events, and also due to other countless discussions taking place within the men’s scene here, changes are afoot. Really good changes.
In the interest of fostering as much of this positive change as possible, both here locally in San Francisco and throughout the entire gay men’s kink scene, I’d like to offer a few ideas for possible ways to help the men’s scene reinvigorate. For men and women reading this who are not part of the gay men’s scene, adapt what I’ve written here as needed for your own needs and communities. Consider these jumping off points for your own ideas and by no means an all-inclusive list.
- Big, public play parties are not the only way to go. People can host their own private, invitation only parties of any size, from a few guys to a filled warehouse and everything in between.
- Maybe we can get away from the idea that a well-equipped dungeon is always necessary to have a good play party. Some of my best scenes have been in raw empty spaces or hotel rooms. Let’s not let a perceived ideal of dungeon space keep us from gathering for play. And maybe without equipment the play will get more creative.
- Facebook, Google+, Twitter, websites, contact management services, and other technologies can be rather easily leveraged to gather guys at little or no cost. I created a group on Facebook called Race’s Bar with the intention of gathering kinky gay men offline at various venues and events. Didn’t cost me a penny and not really that much time. Anyone can do it.
- While we might not have many leather bars left, many bars are quite friendly to leather/kink guys. Let’s support them. Maybe they’ll create certain nights for us to gather there. You won’t know unless you ask.
- Discussion groups are a relatively easy social structure to put together. Find a place and regular day and time to gather and propose a few discussion topics. See who shows up. Pretty easy to do.
- Just about anything vanilla folks do in groups can be done by kinky guys as well. Guys could easily use technology like meetup.com to organize events and groups for just about anything. Again, at zero cost. Check out the range of meetup.com gatherings and they might spark an idea for a kinky meetup of your own.
- Classes and workshops are great, but people learn best by doing. Why not create some hands on combination play party and teaching events for newcomers?
- Bring sex back to contests. No offense to leather contest organizers, but they are often woefully lacking in terms of actual sexuality. I know much of the reason is that the contests are held in venues that don’t allow sex to take place, but I fear this has also often desexed the contests to the point where the casual observer would wonder if we ever actually had the sex we seem to talk about incessantly. Figure out a way to put sex and serious play into the contests and people will be a lot more interested in them.
- Restaurant dinners. Decide on a night. Notify leathermen in your area to make reservations for a certain time. Do it well ahead of the date and you’ll likely fill the restaurant with a lot of guys. Ideally it’s a gay/kink friendly restaurant and you can alert them ahead of time of their clientele for the night. Keep it simple by not trying to get big tables together. Parties of 2 to 8 are pretty easy to book.
- Coffee shops. Decide on a day and time. Notify leathermen a casual coffee get together is happening. Pretty simple.
I’m sure people reading this have dozens of additional ideas that I hope they’ll share here by commenting.
Yes, the men’s leather/kink community is changing. Old gathering places are vanishing. We often can’t rely on baths and sex clubs anymore for our play. Leather clubs might not serve the needs of most. Such is life. It is what it is. We need to adapt and move on.
Once upon a time the gay community was comprised entirely of bar and baths culture. Over time the importance of bars diminished and baths began closing. The gay community didn’t exactly disappear. They adapted. Now there are countless places, events, groups and organizations for gay men. Why can’t the same maturation take place within the gay men’s kink/leather community? I think it can. Let’s get creative and think beyond the old ways.
Do you have your own ideas on how to invigorate the gay men’s leather scene? For those reading this who aren’t gay men, any ideas on how your own kink communities can improve social and play opportunities? Add your comments here to share with others. Let’s brainstorm together.
5 Comments on “Reinvigorating the Men’s Kink Community”
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John
August 30, 2011 at 6:38 amYour list of ideas in “The State of Kink: It’s Not All Doom and Gloom” seems very thorough and thought provoking. I disapprove, however, of your way of tossing off some of the old ways so easily.
My limited experience back in the day (starting 1981 @ age 19) was heavily influenced by the scene I found in bars. While I’ve never been able to handle more than two beers per evening, I did find the bar scene satisfying due to the mystery (to me in my less experienced state) and quite inviting in most situations. I guess I was just the curious kid to others in those days; but the live action/tension/mystery was definitely what kept me coming back for more. It was an adventure and it was live and in person.
There is not really anything in your list to compare with this. The bars are where the gay kink scene thrived for generations. I learned a lot from my older friends and acquaintances back then. If we don’t have public places and events to foster along the tribe, in person, then everything on your list remains a substitution for the real person to person interaction between two or more men.
I do not find online chat, hook-ups sites or even discussion groups to be very compelling at all in comparison with real in the moment, friendly and tolerant man to man interaction. I do find the new social media sites to be too questionably invasive to privacy to participate in fully confidently without a substitute identity. The mystery conveyed in pictures online, however accurate or inaccurate, simply doesn’t substitute for a living, breathing, snorting, roaring, sweating clad in leather, rubber, military, etc. stud that everyone in the room is trying to, or not, stop drooling over.
What happened to the bars? Was it the smoke, the alcoholism, the drugs, the man-play when the wrong official was present, AIDS, gay marriage and coupling or the boomers (I mean all of them born 1945 to 1964) aging into kink fatigue? I don’t know the answers to that question; but what I do know is that we are missing the historical thing that kept us together and thriving in the past.
We could try to find substitutions that actually try to mimic at least some of the aspects of the kink bar scene. I don’t know, something like a dedicated public club house (sex club-like place without the private rooms or much dungeon equipment) where events can take place, with or without alcohol or BYOB and where some kind of full on crusing with maybe some semi private interaction that stops at kink sex (live hook-ups can be continued elsewhere). Some sort of a live public kink cruise scene. Maybe something with a large patio or back yard to bring out the natural outdoors animal that gay men can drive each other crazy over. Or maybe something more like a kinked-up coffee house and cigar shop with a lot of extra space. There must be some way to do this in a way that would interest the kinky.
Would any one show up? That would depend on the skill of the designers and coordinators. Please make whomever is chosen a gay male, very experienced in gay male kink culture and very creative, even experimental.
Race Bannon
August 30, 2011 at 1:47 pmJohn, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I can assure you I don’t toss off the old ways so easily. I try to simply look at facts. And the fact is that leather bars are closing and not reopening. For some of those that are still open, they are struggling to maintain a leather/kink-only clientele. That’s just the way it is. To observe what’s going on and to come to any other conclusion than leather bars are struggling would be dishonest. I too came out into kink/leather in leather bars starting in 1972. It was wonderful in many ways. But leathermen vote with their feet, and in many cases their feet are not walking into leather bars. If they were being supported, they’d thrive more than they are. Some bars are run by some very clever and insightful people who understand the changes taking place in our scene and they’re adapting. They are doing much better than the ones who pine for the days long past when leather bars were essentially the only venues in which leathermen could socialize and cruise. With that said, I don’t consider this a huge negative. Times change. Trends change. People change. Subcultures change. So why shouldn’t the venues in which they socialize? And they are. Guys are finding some very creative ways to socialize and mix. Here in San Francisco we have meetup groups organized via social media, discussion groups, education groups, play groups, private parties, a movie going group, and a few bars who are getting creative and drawing a kinky clientele, at least on certain nights. There is no lack of ways for kinky gay men to socialize and meet others. It’s just not being done in bars much anymore.
John
August 31, 2011 at 5:37 amI’m sorry, but I just don’t trust the popular social media outlets. Facebook is the worst and is the one which I feel, therefore, is screwing over all the rest. Facebook is not safe. Period. My privacy means more to me than putting up with the Facebook side-affect of having endless marketing attempts, which continually remind me of all the things I could buy, just because I did a little research on something like washing machines one day, so for a couple of months I’m constantly reminded about washing machine sales and features coming up as banner ads all over the net and even in my personal Email accts. These great marketing tools are insidious, irritating and completely turn me off. The true aim of the people behind Facebook is to provide a marketing tool to all those businesses who want to purchase it, only, we give them ALL the information for free. It may be a genius idea, but it turns many people off, like me.
Who are all these people who want to friend me? I have no idea, nor do I care. I don’t have time for that or all the other stupid stuff that goes along with Facebook. There are professional people who cannot participate personally on these websites due to the public nature of what they do. They could end up damaging themselves or the people they serve. That tells me something I’m not comfortable with.
Moving on from the big “F.” …
I am not arguing, specifically, that bars are the only answer. I was trying to make some suggestions as a way to foster in person, and yes, even chance contact. But I am stressing the person to person interaction, and, I guess, some kind of “scene.” [Oh no, he didn’t go there, did he? (…you might be thinking)]. Yes I did. I’m 49 and I’m stuck back there, missing the person to person interaction.
Human beings are wired for this by nature, BTW.
I haven’t had much luck in SF with the other means of meeting people you mention. As with so much of life these days, couples seem to be the only participants in these groups. I have no partner and that is okay. I mean, I’m not holding my breath or wasting any time worrying about it. Sorry, but I didn’t think that what I call, “the fervor to couple” of the last two decades, applied to me. [I never say never, however.] The only local movie group that I know of is a bear group. Though I have more body hair per centimeter than most of them, I am not a bear. I disappear among bears. Private parties….oh, right. Hadn’t thought of that. Um …who, what, were, when, how?
I do think that however hopeful and helpful you are being to your readers, which you certainly are, you still come off as somewhat of a Pollyanna. Brainstorming lists of suggestions are certainly needed, but I just don’t feel that those presented are getting [all of] us anywhere. They’ve all been around for years now. Something new needs to happen. Something that will peek interest in the young and old alike, maybe together, maybe separately. I know it can’t be Dore Alley Fair everyday; that would kill us, but some happy medium exists in the mind of someone out there. I just wish whoever it is would get on with it. Tic-Tock dearies. I’m not getting any younger.
Race Bannon
August 31, 2011 at 12:55 pmJohn, everyone has the right to reject any form of communication they wish. There are some sites and means of communication I don’t engage in. However, no one can ignore that the primary communication mechanism, and the primary organizing mechanism, for the kink/leather scene is now online. One can reject it, but that comes with a price unfortunately of being disconnected from some of the very things you/I seek. As for the online marketing, it’s true. Engage in free social media and it costs you another way. That’s why it’s free. Much like television and other media forms, advertising pays the bills. You can avoid much of that by only utilizing pay sites, but then there is a downside of being cut off from much of what’s going on.
Even much of the in-person interaction that you rightly crave (we all do) is organized entirely online. Clubs, organizations, play parties, social event, fundraisers, contests, discussion groups, educational events, and so on are primarily organized through social media sites and other online mediums these days. That’s not likely to change. Here in San Francisco the Leathermen’s Discussion Group held a town hall style meeting to discuss the state of the kink/leather community and drew 300 attendees, all organized entirely (100%) online. No other organizing or communication mechanisms were used. Such is the way things are going. But I think the power of the online medium was clearly demonstrated by the fact that 300 people showed up on a Wednesday evening to discuss the matter. Pretty impressive.
As for me being Pollyanna, I don’t think so. Yes, I’m by nature a pretty positive person. I prefer to look at the positives while keeping my eye on the negatives. I see too much complaining and not enough action and perhaps what you see as a Pollyanna perspective is really just me trying to get folks moving along in positive directions rather than continuing to bemoan realities that I don’t think will change much. If you knew of my work here locally in San Francisco and what I’ve been doing to get folks offline and face to face in various settings, you’d know that by no means do I not value the offline experience. In fact, I’m one of the main champions of fostering more offline interactions here in San Francisco.
As for waiting for someone to do something, I don’t wait. I encourage others not to wait. I encourage action. Modern technology (which I know you’re not necessarily a big fan of) allows any one of us to organize a host of potential offline meetings between kinksters. It’s happening here in San Francisco a lot and seems to be replicating around the country as well.
Also, when you ask most mainstream kinksters how they feel about their kinky life, they feel pretty good about it. Sure, like everything in life, there are issues to contend with. But I and they truly don’t think things are all that bad. People are meeting, socializing and playing in what I see as record numbers in spite of the demise of some bars and other former kinky venues.
John
September 1, 2011 at 3:48 amI have participated in both Yahoo and Google groups before for SF Kink groups. I am not a novice at this, nor am I not “a big fan of” “modern technology.” I am not willing to give personal information to unknown corporations to target selling to me. I am not talking about regular advertising. I am talking about the things they are doing that they don’t tell us about, based upon what browsing we are doing when we go online and input personal information.
The Yahoo and Google groups I’ve been a member of in the past have not been very well maintained consistently. But the thing about them that has always irritated me the most is that they are always full of misleading or inaccurate information. Planned fun events don’t happen, or, no one shows up, and, this is the norm, not the exception. Sometimes when you don’t want to expose your Email accts. to every single message posted in a group, in the moment, and you decide to wait for a digest of the day or weeks messages, you miss out on some information that isn’t transmitted in digest form. I cannot and will not sit opening little Emails about this or that all day long. When you join several groups at once, allowing undigested Emails, the volume of it can create complete chaos.
Now, as for the Leatherman’s Discussion Group meeting that you mention above. I did hear about that meeting through a direct personal Email from a third party kink store (I think), but I didn’t hear about it until a few days before it happened. I wanted to go to the meeting, but I could not rearrange my scheduled to make it. To me, using 100% online announcements for this meeting is just like saying only those with inside contacts, knowledge and means are welcome at the meeting, and, you don’t really give a damn about anyone else. This is just about the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. I know poor people in the kink scene WHO DON’T HAVE COMPUTERS and/or don’t want one, yes here in SF. [And of course, they are not people who would want to run around and tell everyone this, especially with people now accessing the internet in the palm of their hands absolutely anywhere.] What are you doing? Why are you creating exclusivity in this way? Were you not wanting people from the general public (non-kink) to show up? What could possibly be the thinking behind neglecting to announce this in print media? Why? It doesn’t cost anything to have a community announcement printed in Gloss, BAR, etc. [It does take proper planning though.]
I am pretty angry and disgusted about this. I just met you last Sunday at Edge. One of your partners recommended that I gain knowledge from you about kink in SF and you handed me your card. That is why I am here reading. That event at Edge was quite a revelation because everyone I met was so open, friendly, kind and led me to believe that I was welcomed. I met long-term SF kink folk I’ve never even seen before. I left there pleasantly dazed. It gave me more to think about in a couple of hours than I’ve been able to gain, with much effort, in the entire 4 years I’ve lived in SF. Now I’m left wondering if the Edge event was one thing and reality is something else. The inside tract is not easily permeable in SF, which is something I’ve sadly become accustomed to. I guess I was just day dreaming Sunday.
I do not think that you should be satisfied that high numbers of people attended the Leatherman’s Discussion Group meeting on 7/27, based only on the numbers. I was one keenly interested attendee who couldn’t rearrange my schedule in time to attend. Had I had adequate advanced notice, I would have made a point to be there, because I’ve always been interested in kink and I’ve been trying to figure out the scene in SF for some time.
If these things are happening to me, they are happening to others.